A Proposal
In working on a fictionalized account of my paternal family's immigration from Poland, I have the wife and mother support her husband's wish to emigrate.
In a flash of gender sensitivity, I recognized how deeply offensive the idea was. And to have them immigrate to the existential wasteland that is America, is also unpardonable jingoistic wickedness.
In an effort to make amends for my heinous crime and seek absolution, I have been inspired to make some slight changes to the story.
Here is a brief sketch of what I propose: Emanze Feministisch is an American (and appropriately ashamed of it) of Austrian/Malinois descent. Mother of 12 children and CEO of the now united Microsoft/Amazon/Facebook/Apple, Inc, (Google will soon be added to the conglomerate) she is disgusted with the unfettered avarice inherent in the exploitative capitalist system.
She is also married to a closet homosexual alcoholic who beats her bloody every time they have sex--because he's so deeply ashamed of indulging in heterosexuality. (How they came to have 12 children I will leave to the imagination of the reader. BUT HERE'S A HINT: She named all of them Dave, but when she needs to call them individually, she just uses their last name.)
She ponders how she can find absolution for the depraved sin of making a living (and, horror-of-horrors, being successful!). She considers Cuba, but has read reports from Michael Moore that it has a superlative health-care system, so that would not allow her the proper penance for the expiation of her sin in having a dollar more than the homeless person she gave a home to. (He fits in well with the other children).
She considers Botswana, but finds it to have a successful economy by African standards, so that would never do.
Afghanistan is ideal because women there are treated worse than stray dogs, which in her mind is what she deserves--as do all successful Americans. She also considers Sri Lanka for the endemic malaria, and Nepal for the elevation. (She gets altitude sickness).
While in Afghanistan, she foils two 250-pound would-be rapists using meditation, which of course she is an expert at being a gluten-free, lactose-intolerant vegan. She immediately assumes the lotus positions and "ohms" the two malefactors into submission. As a result of her influence, they become monks, taking a vow of poverty (but not chastity because that would be perverse!)
Despite this, she has a series of abortions even though she's not pregnant to show solidarity with her National Organization of Women sisters.
By the power of yoga and meditation, she
touches the heart of Xi Xinping and liberates the Tibetans who elect her Queen. Which, of course she refuses.
Finally, she settles into a quiet life with her trans-trans-transsexual wife who provides her considerable domestic variety.
Stay tuned for the sequel as her erstwhile husband, Duncan Pittypat, finally comes to terms with his own sexuality, and so becomes the ideal father and greatest social worker in history, saving all of New Orleans.
He's offered promotions and raises but rejects them all saying, "No, I earn enough money. I don't want any more. In fact, I and my 12 children will become homeless in solidarity with the poor."
He does take up an invitation to the White House, traveling with his husband, Tupak Sakur, a college professor who studies gender disphoria among the Hibernian elk of east Africa and Mauritius. He is at present a Nobel candidate for their new category of "most politically correct".
There he will meet with President Hippolyta Castrate and her wife, Too Tall Jones, the first woman to break the gender barrier in the NFL, 11-times all-pro middle linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers (AND SHE'S NOT EVEN A TRANS!!!!) .
From there, he and his spouse will move to the ideal society of North Korea. It was recommended by Michael Moore who went there for medical treatment for obesity. The treatment involves 12 men beating him with nightsticks every time he reaches for anything edible. The therapy is deemed a success as he has, over the last six weeks, lost 1.6 pounds.
BTW, since my psychoanalyst says I must do self-affirmations, I am notifying the Booker, Pulitzer and Nobel committees in advance.
In a flash of gender sensitivity, I recognized how deeply offensive the idea was. And to have them immigrate to the existential wasteland that is America, is also unpardonable jingoistic wickedness.
In an effort to make amends for my heinous crime and seek absolution, I have been inspired to make some slight changes to the story.
Here is a brief sketch of what I propose: Emanze Feministisch is an American (and appropriately ashamed of it) of Austrian/Malinois descent. Mother of 12 children and CEO of the now united Microsoft/Amazon/Facebook/Apple, Inc, (Google will soon be added to the conglomerate) she is disgusted with the unfettered avarice inherent in the exploitative capitalist system.
She is also married to a closet homosexual alcoholic who beats her bloody every time they have sex--because he's so deeply ashamed of indulging in heterosexuality. (How they came to have 12 children I will leave to the imagination of the reader. BUT HERE'S A HINT: She named all of them Dave, but when she needs to call them individually, she just uses their last name.)
She ponders how she can find absolution for the depraved sin of making a living (and, horror-of-horrors, being successful!). She considers Cuba, but has read reports from Michael Moore that it has a superlative health-care system, so that would not allow her the proper penance for the expiation of her sin in having a dollar more than the homeless person she gave a home to. (He fits in well with the other children).
She considers Botswana, but finds it to have a successful economy by African standards, so that would never do.
Afghanistan is ideal because women there are treated worse than stray dogs, which in her mind is what she deserves--as do all successful Americans. She also considers Sri Lanka for the endemic malaria, and Nepal for the elevation. (She gets altitude sickness).
While in Afghanistan, she foils two 250-pound would-be rapists using meditation, which of course she is an expert at being a gluten-free, lactose-intolerant vegan. She immediately assumes the lotus positions and "ohms" the two malefactors into submission. As a result of her influence, they become monks, taking a vow of poverty (but not chastity because that would be perverse!)
Despite this, she has a series of abortions even though she's not pregnant to show solidarity with her National Organization of Women sisters.
By the power of yoga and meditation, she
touches the heart of Xi Xinping and liberates the Tibetans who elect her Queen. Which, of course she refuses.
Finally, she settles into a quiet life with her trans-trans-transsexual wife who provides her considerable domestic variety.
Stay tuned for the sequel as her erstwhile husband, Duncan Pittypat, finally comes to terms with his own sexuality, and so becomes the ideal father and greatest social worker in history, saving all of New Orleans.
He's offered promotions and raises but rejects them all saying, "No, I earn enough money. I don't want any more. In fact, I and my 12 children will become homeless in solidarity with the poor."
He does take up an invitation to the White House, traveling with his husband, Tupak Sakur, a college professor who studies gender disphoria among the Hibernian elk of east Africa and Mauritius. He is at present a Nobel candidate for their new category of "most politically correct".
There he will meet with President Hippolyta Castrate and her wife, Too Tall Jones, the first woman to break the gender barrier in the NFL, 11-times all-pro middle linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers (AND SHE'S NOT EVEN A TRANS!!!!) .
From there, he and his spouse will move to the ideal society of North Korea. It was recommended by Michael Moore who went there for medical treatment for obesity. The treatment involves 12 men beating him with nightsticks every time he reaches for anything edible. The therapy is deemed a success as he has, over the last six weeks, lost 1.6 pounds.
BTW, since my psychoanalyst says I must do self-affirmations, I am notifying the Booker, Pulitzer and Nobel committees in advance.
No comments have been added yet.
