Talking About What We Don’t Talk About

Ep 64 Urban Farmer Natasha Nicholes Ep 65 Author Sarah Ladipo Manyika

Talking About What We Don’t Talk About

This post is made possible with support from AARP’s Disrupt Aging. All opinions are my own.

This is a post that talks about talking about menopause.

Don’t worry. I’m not actually going to TALK about menopause. God forbid! No! Heaven forfend we should have an open discussion about a natural phase in the life of literally 49.6% of people walking the planet.

Am I even in menopause? How should I know? I’m 53, and the average age for its onset is between 45 and 55, although according to Dr. Internet, “menopause may occur as earlier as ages 30s or 40s or may not occur until a woman reaches her 60s.” See? It’s a crapshoot! The mere fact that I’m writing about it could propel me backwards in the process, or forwards. NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Worse, nobody seems to want to discuss it.

Maybe it’s because the dominant narrative of menopause is that it’s the day a woman reaches her sell-by date (expressed nowhere better than in this Amy Schumer skit.) Keep that information under wraps, lady. Can’t have babies anymore? What’s your entire point, then?

The question persists, even if researchers are figuring out that having older female members of the species around has serious evolutionary advantages, something I first read about and discussed in my interview of author Jonathan Rauch, The Happiness Curve: Why Life Gets Better After 50. Anthropologists have even come up with the Grandmother Hypothesis, which says that having a grandmother increases a toddler’s chance of surviving to adulthood by 30%.

Still, no woman wants to admit out loud that she’s…not buying tampons anymore.

I confess, I hadn’t thought about it much until I read a recent article in The Atlantic called “The Secret Power of Menopause.” The author, Liza Mundy, writes about three new books out this year that are tackling the subject with fresh perspectives, defining it not through a lens of melancholy but of power. This was the phrase that stuck with me in Mundy’s reporting:

…the very concept of a menopausal syndrome was the invention of a culture that aimed to psychologically weaken women in a strong period of life – at a historical moment when female power was rising. ‘Dominant groups…can be very creative in inventing new ways of oppressing people.’

Silencing half of us from talking to each other about what we’re going through is an extremely effective way to keep us feeling isolated.

Maybe that’s why I was absolutely mesmerized by this scene with Kristen Scott Thomas from Season 2 of Fleabag. (One of my Empty Nest goals is to catch up on ALL THE TV and this brilliant show was the top of the list.)

“It is horrendous. But then, it’s magnificent.”

There is actually one person with whom I’ve openly discussed “The Change,” as my ninety-something Aunt Noonie calls it. A friend who lives literally on the other side of the planet, whose time zone is inverted with mine. We get on WhatsApp and furtively text each other questions about signs and symptoms, just as she’s waking up and I’m going to sleep. Evidently, I need the core of the earth between me and the other person to feel comfortable discussing what is, to remind us all again, a natural phase of life.

And recently, I’ve also been perusing the host of helpful articles and videos at DisruptAging.org. They’re doing a lot of heavy lifting in opening up the conversation about what getting older feels like for both men and women.

But in honor of World Menopause Day on Friday, October 18, I have a new goal: to find someone in my actual zip code to whom I can admit that I am going through exactly what I am supposed to be going through at my age.

It might be horrendous. But then, it’ll be magnificent.

Can’t we just talk? Aka when a 21-year old songwriter/singer phenom unwittingly writes a midlife anthem

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