Panic Monster

Last week was all about the panic as I come closer to putting all the pieces together for publication. I made it through last week’s panic and now the feeling of accomplishment is setting in with still some panic and fear lingering. This week is a different panic. I am starting to put together an ARC team and I am about to set up the pre-order for Bad Karma, that means the book is finished and ready for others to read. The very thought of someone else reading the book is terrifying. I know I’m a published author it should excite me and make me want to jump for joy. It makes me want to do both.

I have spent months and months preparing this book for publication. It took me five months to write the book. It has been through five edits and countless questions if I did the story justice. There has been panic that I wouldn’t get all my ducks in a row to get this ready and released. I have lost sleep over that fear and the fear that I had failed in telling Savannah’s story.

Now that the moment has come to set up the presale for it, a new fear monster has reared its ugly head. I had no foresight he would come for me or where he came from but there he is. This panic is not the panic that keeps me up at night, instead it sits in the pit of my stomach causing my gut to tighten and nausea to set in. It’s the fear of putting the book out there for everyone in the freaking world to read. There is a moment as I hit submit that I want to throw up. I contemplate running for the bathroom. Then I suck it up and remind myself that this was what I signed up for. That reminder does little to shut the monster in my gut up. He counters with good luck with anyone buying your book. The fear of it all hits me hard and I contemplate pulling the book before it can ever get out for people to read and even if people do; do you really think they will like it? Putting a piece of your soul out for the world to judge is hard.

It makes me wonder why I do this. Why do I share my writing? There is so much panic, fear, and anxiety with the process; why do I torture myself? Am I a masochist? I think, I am a little bit. In fact, I think all writers are a bit of a masochist. It is the only way I can explain why I do this time and time again. It explains why I work as an SSN para and write. Why I get up at four a.m. almost every morning to do everything I do day in and day out. Then, the moment comes and everything becomes clear why I work so hard.

I have three moments that remind me why I work so hard and I share my writing. The first is my kids. How do I tell them to follow their dreams if I am not? How do I explain hard work pays off? Or show them that being them is the best thing in the world. The answer is I work day and night to produce books for others to read. I show them how much I love myself by how hard I work. My kids from time to time whine about my workload. They have the right to. For ten years I was just their mom. I made a decision that turned their lives upside down but they are also seeing that it’s important to follow their dreams. They will one day say look at what their mom has done. Look at what all her hard work has gotten her. They will take that lesson and carry it through their lives. That for me is huge.
The other piece of this hit me Saturday night. I did a live read on Beyond The Read’s Facebook page and there wasn’t a lot of people but the people that were there reminded me why I torture myself like I do. The comments as I read from both Bad Witch Walking and Bad Karma were spectacular. When I read about Whistlers’ death, one said it made her cry when that happened. I loved that because it meant she was just as invested as I was. For the record when I wrote that scene I cried like a baby. I actually had to stop writing because I couldn’t see past my tears. Another said she is excited about the book being released so she could read it. There was a small discussion about which male they love more Damian or Santiago. The fact that all of these individuals are invested in the lives of Savannah, Santiago, and Damian, et al, is exciting. It means I am doing my job as an author. It forces that monster in my gut to back the hell up and it shuts him up for a bit. It makes all of my sacrifices worth it.

The last part is when I get to talk about being an author. I currently have an appointment with a photographer. I felt I needed to update my photo to show me as I am now. I met with the couple who is taking the photos and they were amazing people. We were all on the same journey with weight loss and had a great conversation. I had expected the meeting to last at most twenty minutes. But as we talked they started asking me questions about my books and being a writer. I can talk about both for hours. Being an author is like having fifty people live in your head. They are there all the time and want to get their two cents in. Some are louder than others. Some are creepy (cough Matthew) and give you the heebie-jeebies as you work with them, but they are all there. As we talked about my writing I could see how fascinating it was to them. That makes it worth it for me. That moment where people ask me questions and want to talk to me. They want to understand my process. I love it.

Don’t let those fear, panic, and anxiety monsters inside you stop you from being you. Push past them, show them you will not give them the time of day. Do what you love, no matter how hard it is or how hard you have to work. Everything worth having takes hard work. It is what makes us appreciate our accomplishments. Until next time!