5 Tenets of a Negative Self-Help

Look, I know what you want to hear. I know you want to hear that everything is going to be alright—no, better than alright, that it’s going to be fucking amazeballs. I know you want to hear that the pain in your life will one day be gone, that those dreams will one day become reality, that the only thing standing between you and destiny is yourself. *Cue inspirational music* 

I know you want to hear that you’re a “new you,” that your hair looks fucking great, that the nuts in your shit have...