I’m Totes Obsessed with Tom Hollandz

In that way, fam. Is it borderline inappropriate? I’ll be the first to admit it: yes. He’s fourteen years younger than me, twice the number of my current cougar powers. One year shy of the threshold when these types of relationships are borderline gross to many– and that’s when the genders are flipped. But from GQ photoshoots, being all of us while spoiling expensive-ass movies, dance moves and holding babies and puppies, to sick professionalism, natural charm and delightfulness, famous friends, spot-on accents and dubious Illuminati ritual shit, not to mention being the best Spiderman to date (according to both my dad and Kevin Smith who have a million combined hours of comic book expertise), this dude is bonafide celebrity crush catnip.

Is it sudden? Or has it been brewing for nearly two years? All very important questions.

Looking back I probably never had a chance. It was January 2018 when I was starting my second novel. I needed visual inspiration for one of my minor characters Dale Abernathy who was getting his own book and Tom was one of the first people I thought of. “That new Spiderman kid,” thought I. Had him his little brown girlfriend in the movie, and I was here for it.

But then I thought, “wait, isn’t he like a teenager?”

I looked up his age and I wasn’t far off. He was legal and all, but it was my second book, and I didn’t know how I felt about having to envision a baby have sex lol. Even though he was playing 34 in my mind. I tried to “re-cast” him as Joe Keery (Steve Harrington) from Stranger Things, which lasted about a week or two before I switched back to Tom, b/c visually speaking, he’s Dale to me and that’s just the end of it. I remember laughing at myself for looking up his birthday again after that two weeks, in hopes that his age had budged at all in that short time, lol.

Cut to: May 2018. Book 2 isn’t out yet, but I’m on to book three and over my hangups. Going to see Avengers, because movies. I have no idea the plot, haven’t seen a trailer, don’t need to. I didn’t know if My Tom Holland was in it, but I also didn’t know there was supposed to be two movies, soooo…. when they killed My Tom Holland at the end of it, against the will of all people– well. My heart was in a deep pit of despair. I flipped over tables, knocked over drinks and hollered out “this some BULLshit!” You might be asking yourself, “you flipped over tables in the movie theater?” to which I reply, “yes. I live in Texas, honey. They got tables and leather lazy boy recliners and some mo’.”

That damn death scene almost got me to lactating. Did they just kill My Tom Hollandz in front of my face like that??? While he begged for his life?? I still wasn’t obsessed by this point, but it was about 60/40 inappropriate, with appropriateness still in the majority. Whenever I saw My Tom Holland, it was mostly kind of a motherly energy. Like the matriarch in the community telling the younger girls, “You need to snatch up that little Tom Holland, he’s a cutie!” Another reason that I was trying to keep it at appropriate levels was that he reminds me of my son a bit. Which is weird b/c my son is mixed and only 6 years old. But they both do this face thing– fans call it the “frog in the mouth” face (a detail which proves that I’m telling the truth about being obsessed with him b/c I have no business knowing that, grown as I am). My son also does the face, and so sometimes for a split second it would be like looking at a grown version of my son, which made my brain do a laptop reboot thing like, “aannnd restart. All unsaved data cannot be restored. Your tabs are gone.”

I don’t know if it’s a personality trait or what, but my son does make the face. I thought it would be cool if it’s some genetic thing, like if they both have Irish in them or something, because my husband is Irish. Conversations like these helped me keep this alll above board, so willing was I for it to not be weird. I just wanted to pinch his cute lil’ face, make him cheese eggs in the morning, and that’s it. Sure, maybe the possessives were a little much, maybe I was pinning Pinterest pictures of him long after the book was published, and maybe I had a little too much to say about his jawline… that’s the 40% percent I was talking about. It was totally under control, people.

It doesn’t help that when you spend so much time visualizing these characters, seeing them walk and talk in real life adds to their association in your mind with what you’ve created. I did that on purpose, to give myself an innocent amusement in my otherwise boring life. Dale’s not English and doesn’t share Tom’s personality, so all these things are great ways to stave off obsession. Not that it even matters– I didn’t think I would ever need to STAVE OFF OBSESSION.

And then that damn Far From Home came out.

Y’all… it’s one thing for the movie to throw the brown girls a bone. It is a whole… ‘nother… level… to establish… a pattern. What Kevin Feige is tryna tell me… is not just that Peter Parker is from a diverse place and that the casting is therefore plausible and realistic… he’s tryna tell me… that Peter Parker has a type… and that type is somewhere between toffee and cinnamon. And literally, the entire world is here for it.

Has this ever happened in the history of ever? With any white hero? This is the MAIN mainstream, so I’m completely shook daddy by this point. I still remember how book lovers went off about Rue being black in the Hunger Games movie, and all she did was die. She wasn’t fucking kissing Spiderman!

Lemme just stop here and say, that I am so glad that I am not a 16-year-old girl in these times. I was already a wreck, and Instagram would not have improved upon that state. I grew up in suburbia where white guys were not an option at 16, and that was a shared perspective. There was an odd freedom in not being “in the running” at this age. It provided a momentary reprieve in an otherwise tumultuous time period and enabled me to have friendships with guys and vice versa without the sexual pressures [mostly]. I can’t imagine having even more of a reason to be self-conscious at that age. I would just… explode.

So anyway, back to My Tom Holland. I saw Far From Home with my hubby and we did not stay for the post-credit scene the first time I saw the movie, so my brain instantly started writing the next movie (a common occurrence) where… it cuts to quite a few years in the future, Peter’s at the Daily Bugle (dot net?), probably doing some indie online journalism realness, and MJ’s doing whatever she’s doing, but the relationship has happened off-screen and has already ended [or has it?] and the shit would be like…hot. Like, she hates him, we don’t know why. Probably has something to do with the amount of time being Spiderman takes up, you know, something to legit break up with My Tom Holland over.

How’s he holding up, you ask? Not good, you guys. Just goood and first-love-fucked-up over it. He’s borderline stalkery about it, like… I can’t even explain it properly. Well, okay lemme try…

So there’s a scene in my mind where… she’s like in a hotel or something for some work-related thing, I guess, but he shows up unannounced as Peter, and she’s like… in a bathrobe or a towel and feeling super uncomfortable and he’s like…. unfazed. Y’know what I’m sayin? Because he’s like… tapped that. So, so many times. Hawt! Oh, and also villains and fighting or whatever. She’s in danger, she needs to be saved, all that good shit.

I was trying to use my brainwaves to send this idea to the pertinent individuals with my mind, as per usual. But then I saw the post-credit scene and I realized they were gonna have Spiderman wearing a backpack for the next ten years. Which is cool too, I get it. He has the babyface to do that, and I think, the mental fortitude and/or enthusiasm [so far], so I’m down. Take my money, I’ll go see all ten of them shits. And then I was like, “hey, you write stories too, y’know” but taking that idea for myself means creating an entire separate superhero mythology, just to have hot sex scenes, like….. really? So basically it’s in the works, haha :p #summer2021

Anyway, the point of this long-ass post, is that I’m obsessed with Tom Holland. I just switched it from 60/40 majority inappropriate, to like 80/20 not appropriate, terrorist threat level orange (he’s not old enough to know that reference, guys). I bought Spiderman 1 & 2 on DVD folks. BRAND NEW. The last DVD I bought was Fun With Dick and Jane, at the Salvation Army, and I have no idea where it is (hilarious movie, btw).

I check his Instagram when I’m bored. I check it when I’m not bored and have tons of other shit to do. Whenever I’m done writing a passage that’s supposed to be a turning point or something impactful, and I wonder if it’s good enough, I imagine Tom Holland reading it. Publicly. And from there, I decide whether it’s good enough (I recommend any writer doing this btw. You don’t have to use My Tom Holland for it, but if you don’t and it doesn’t work, don’t come crying to me). If I’m at my computer and I get writer’s block I just go “whatever, I’m gonna go watch ‘Tom Holland being a dork for 12 minutes’ on YouTube.” If I’m feeling shitty, I go watch Tom Holland do press tours for two hours. I don’t mean to, but you know how YouTube is, it just keeps digging through the archives, finding me more obscure shit and recommending it. I legit cannot talk to my husband about it, he does not find it funny.

So it feels good to tell someone about it. I hope I’ve convinced you to be obsessed too [if you aren’t already], so we can be obsessed together! I can’t remember the last time I fangirled over anyone, and I think it’s keeping me young, so I’ll take it! It can be sort of fun if you’re halfway mentally healthy. I’m glad gorgeous men are still being born in all their varied forms. They’re like chicken noodle soup for the planet. I just made that up, but I think it’s true.

[image error]Come aaahhhhn!

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