31 days of horror: Children shouldn’t play with dead things

Would you settle for 30? Otherwise I promise to post something on Nov. 1 to make up for my lapse yesterday.

Inspired by Rob Adams’ project 365, in which he has committed to write every day for an entire year, (I am in awe at the dedication), I’ve decided to try to write something horror related for the entire month. (Try being the key word).

While I am not planning to do this in order of importance, I thought it would make sense to start where it all began. Technically, that could be Halloween, but even more so than that, and that’s a whole other post, one of my earliest memories of horror was a cheesy 70’s movie by anyone’s standards, including me.

I give you, (as they would rightfully say in Mystery Science Theater 3000 for this movie), Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things.

Way back before the cell phone and iPad/iPod, you had few choices to watch television in bed and hide it from your parents. At some point, my parents got a small yet still managing to be cumbersome television. It wasn’t this one exactly: But it was along these lines. It had a handle and I could plug it in and watch it under covers.

At the time, again, there was no actual cable television other than fuzzy UHF. However, Channel 9/11? One of those, would have a Fright Night on Friday night. And one glorious Friday evening, Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things was the lead attraction. [image error]

The plot was fairly simple yet also complicated. There’s a small theater troupe led by a Charles Manson/Famous Theater Director in his own mind, Alan, who visits a small island by boat for the evening. It isn’t clear whether they intend to workshop Barefoot in the Park on the island, or what, because it immediately becomes sinister.

Note:

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I mean, I’ve been to bad parties before – but not this bad.

After arriving, he leads them to a small hut they have to break into that looks like it has not been decorated by Chip and Joanna.  I mean there’s Shabby Chic and there’s just shabby, broken windows and falling apart.

Alan has decided he needs to do some sort of fraternity hazing to make sure everyone is committed to this off-off-off-off Broadway theater company. He leads them to the crumbling cemetery right out of a hack, backwoods, Rob Zombie movie opening scene.

MEANWHILE, back at the opening credits, we see two sinister looking fellows doing the darkness’s work at the same cemetery with our creepy 70s music dripping psycho-delic sound effects. But back to that.

Alan leads his disciples, eager to keep their 2 cent an hour acting job, to the cemetery for a sort of summoning. The idea is to wear a Joseph and the Amazing Demon Dream coat and call forth the dead for his bidding. I’ll say it now that Alan has a bit of a God/Manson complex and can’t seem to manage the same devotion of his idols.

Val, the Cher look-a-like with a zinger every minute mocks Alan’s attempts when they fall flat. We also have Anya, who is the loopy flower child with the utmost respect for all things part of life — that includes death.

The trailer! You have to watch it.

When the gang initially decides to dig up a unwilling corpse for their ceremony, the joke is on them in one of the only moments Alan is able to have the upper hand — he’s planted two of his most flamboyant actors to play frightening corpses that scare the paisley-patterned crap out of these 70’s guys.

They are let off the hook but not until everyone runs screaming. Not to be dismayed by his theatrics and failures, Alan decides it is totally normal to find the corpse who was evicted for the prank and bring him back to the shack for entertainment purposes. I mean, of course, who wouldn’t? Right?

Despite the rest of the crew showing apprehension, some of them manage to find the “humor” in this. Jeff, in particular, finds it hilarious to hold a faux wedding between Alan and the unfortunate Orville who is finding himself a (soon to be resentful) unwilling prop in the nonsense. The nonsense includes a pretend wedding between Alan and Orville. Because, why not? (a lot of reasons)

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Alan saying something obnoxious.

Alan, now enthralled with his power trip, starts abusing the new lovely actress, Terry, and her boyfriend, the Marlon Brando wannabe, Roy. Alan, who more than likely had a few restraining orders filed against him by the time he visited the island, forces Terry to kiss his and Orville’s ass to prove her devotion to the theater group (I mean, what is this, Shakespeare?) When Roy tries to defend her, Alan tells him he’s only around as long as he feels Roy, a slab of meat, as he calls him, remains pretty enough to dress his stage.

We are starting to look forward to the dead things arriving to see Alan at the very least.

Anya, the  only one with some kind of conscience, suddenly hears the dog whistle that tells her it probably isn’t a good idea to toss around and mock a dead body.  She scolds Alan that they are in for it if they keep it up. Karma etc.

Alan decides the best way to respond to Anya’s well deserved shaming is to say there’s no reason to respect the dead and he will, instead, feed Orville to his dog and use his bones for wind chimes. That isn’t weird at all, right?

Anya tries to apologize to Orville who, from Anya’s reaction, looking into his eyes, isn’t having it. It is too late for apologies so don’t waste your money on 1-800-flowers. He’s mad as hell and he isn’t going to take it anymore.

You can see where this is going, can’t you?

While we are having the worst version of a Jerry Springer intervention ever at the shack, the two theater fellows who drew the short straw to clean up the cemetery prank have discovered Alan’s summoning, unlike his people skills, was way more effective than he thought.

One gets immediately turned into an unhappy meal as the most over done zombies begin to rise from their untended graves. The other is able to shamble back with his attackers shambling better behind him. He arrives at the shack with a ripped open neck and interrupts the “party.” Everyone starts to realize this might not just be a terrible weekend away. It might be a really, really terrible weekend away with zombies on top.

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He’s overdressed.

Fast forward that one by one the zombies are able to pull our Scooby Doo impersonators away. Val and Jeff at least come up with an idea to do the reverse summoning with the spell book. Unfortunately that only buys them some false hope as it must have told the zombies a bus of tourists just arrived at the other side of the island and they looked tasty. They walk off but return the minute Alan, Jeff, Anya and Val attempt to get to the boat.

Val and Jeff are goners, but Alan and Anya make a break break to the cabin. True to form, as the zombies are chasing them upstairs, where Alan and Orville were last nuzzling (don’t ask) Alan decides to toss Anya literally to the wolves. He pushes her back to the zombies who actually receive her gently and even the zombies look at Alan like, “Man, that was COLD. You’re a jerk!” If you are being morally judged by zombies, you probably need to revisit your priorities, bro.

Alan runs upstairs to the only escape and left and guess who is there! ORVILLE! And guess what else? The summoning worked on Orville too! And he’s probably got a couple of bones to pick with Alan after that abuse.

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Orville has something to discuss with Alan. Maybe their prenup. 

Get it? Bones? Bye Alan!

This movie is insane but it is such a groovy early 70s craptacular fest — if you figure out how, it is worth a bad Friday night movie fest and make sure you have some jiffy pop.

Just remember, always listen to Anya. She knows what she’s talking about.