Fear of Success
Fear is our topic this week. The reason I have chosen this topic is because I’ve recently started to face a lot of my fears. When I say fear most people think fear of spiders or maybe a creature from a movie. The fear I am talking about is entirely different; it is a gut wrenching, paralyzing you where you stand type of fear. For me, I have a fear of success. For some it’s the fear of failure.
I know you are probably wondering how could someone have the fear of success. Isn’t success what we all are striving for? The answer is yes. We are all striving for success but sometimes the idea that we could actually succeeds scares us. I am one of those people. I have failed more times than I can count. I am comfortable with failure. In the past, when I failed, I looked at it as inevitable. You maybe asking why? The answer is simple yet complicated. Until the last year of my life I have not had much confidence in myself. Maybe it was the fact that I was always so different than other kids. Maybe it was because I have heard most of my life that I need to be more normal. Whatever the reason I had very little confidence in me and so I learned to hide. I’m the person that can be in a room full of people and noone noticed me because I can hide myself away. For years, I denied myself my true passion for writing. Yes, I would write but it would be sporadic and something I never told anyone about. I would dream about being a writer. I would read interviews from writers I love and my first thought was, I wish I could do that. I didn’t chase the dream because I had the expectation that I would fail. The idea of success never crossed my mind as a possibility.
So what changed for me? That’s where the complicated part comes in. What changed was, I moved to a new state where I knew only two other people outside of my immediate family. I had no side jobs, nothing outside of my kids, and realization hit that I had wasted away my time doing very little with my life. I wanted to be me. I wanted to show my kids that there was more to life than just being a mom. I started writing again but only when my kids were in school. At the time my son was in preschool two days a week. I believed I needed to focus all my time and energy on my kids and husband. If I was going to start writing again, I would do it in my free time and not when I should be spending time with my kids. The problem with this theory is that writing is not a sometimes thing. You have to be dedicated to your craft. It took me months to realize it and yet I continued to do the same thing. I was self-sabotaging by not dedicating my time to what I really wanted. The reason was not what I told myself it was. The reason had more to do with what if I did succeed? What if I started writing and published and people actually liked what I created? What do I do then? That created a panic in me. Failure I was good at, success not so much. What do you do with success?
I ignored my desire to write more than I was currently doing and to work towards a goal for months. Then something happened. See my mom has always said we meet or read things for a reason. Life or maybe it’s fate drops events or people in front of us when we need it. I have never believed this myself until very recently. The writing program on my computer crashed and erased most of what I had written. It had kept some of the work I did but not most of it. Talk about panic. I panicked and began to question if this was a sign I shouldn’t do this. Maybe I was setting myself up just for life to show me I needed to just be a mom. I made a deal with myself, I would rewrite everything and if it happened again I would stop and never write again. I had a printed copy of the first five chapters of Bad Witch Walking and I began to rewrite everything using a different program. What I discovered was the writing I was doing was okay but my story was missing a lot of things. The first being more of me. I made the decision to write a couple hours a day. I would fix the problems in the story. My son is good at playing by himself and I could take that time after my daughter went to school to do two hours of writing.
At some point two hours became four and then I was writing all the time. About six months later my mom came to visit me for the first time and I started talking to her about publishing. I still thought it was a pipe dream but she didn’t. She offered to help edit what I was writing. I believe when we started editing was when everything began really shifting for me. I started finding confidence in my writing and thinking maybe success was a possibility. There was still a voice of doubt but it was quieter than it had ever been. As I was editing on the weekends with my mom, I started writing Bad Karma and a plan began to take shape not just for the books, but for me. See when Savannah came to me I had a very low opinion of myself. The more I worked with her and built her story the more I saw I was worthy of something. The fear of success had a lot to do with that little voice in my head saying I don’t deserve success. What I learned from Savannah was I did deserve to succeed. I deserved to chase my dreams. I deserved to be seen and heard.
The revelation I had through Savannah caused me to look at other areas of my life. What I was teaching my kids? What I was doing to my body as a way to ensure no one looked at me? I started to make changes. The first was with my eating habits. I needed to make better and smarter choices. I had developed some issues with my gallbladder and it was the lack of care I had for myself. So I started cutting out things, giving up sugar, soda, and fried foods. Then I made it a priority to workout daily. Slowly my body began to make the shift I wanted, just as my mind was. Writing became a full-time act that I discovered that I loved. In this crazy journey of self discovery, I began to meet my fears head on. I lost twenty nine inches, I published a book, I am learning to mountain bike and discovered I love to hike. I love working out. I love that push I give myself when I think I can’t go another mile or I can’t do another rep and I do. There is nothing like the accomplished feeling you get from it. I discovered I really liked me. I am different from all the other moms and most people and I like that I am. I am smart, talented and not to brag too much but look damn good. I am even meeting my fear of going back to work and start my new job this morning. The next stage of my life is going to be a challenge but anything that is worth having should be hard because when you find that success you feel the accomplishment to your soul.
I was talking with my friend, Barry, recently. Barry and I have known each other for almost twenty years and he has witnessed all of my ups and downs. He is also one of the most creative and uplifting people I know. I was talking about how scared I was about the next stage in my life. The fear I have been feeling for the past two or three weeks have been almost paralyzing. It has made me question if I am making the right decisions for my future. When I told him this, his response was simple, “The best decisions are always the scariest ones we make”. He then followed up with I was going to be fine. Those words helped shut down the self-doubt, a little bit more. It helped me not go back to the girl who pretended to not exist. Do I still have self-doubt? Yes. Do I still fear success? Yes, but it no longer paralyzes me. The fear is a softer voice in my head that I tell on a regular basis to shut the hell up. When it gets to loud, I call one of my friends or my mom or my kids will say something that reminds me that I am not the person I used to be.
The change in me has also changed them. My daughter is not a risk taker. She is unsure of things she doesn’t know how to do. She tries to blend in so no one notices her. A month ago, she took the leap and started karate. Yesterday in a room with at least thirty people she did not know, she got her yellow belt. She was terrified to do the test but she faced the fear and kicked some ass. I couldn’t have been prouder of her. My son is not shy or worried about things that scare him but he is making changes by making healthier choices without me pushing him. He is wanting to climb more and play more instead of watching TV. This in my book is a win.
So face those fears. Don’t let them stop you from being you. Tell those voices that say you can’t do it to shut the hell up. Be you, do you. Until next time!
I know you are probably wondering how could someone have the fear of success. Isn’t success what we all are striving for? The answer is yes. We are all striving for success but sometimes the idea that we could actually succeeds scares us. I am one of those people. I have failed more times than I can count. I am comfortable with failure. In the past, when I failed, I looked at it as inevitable. You maybe asking why? The answer is simple yet complicated. Until the last year of my life I have not had much confidence in myself. Maybe it was the fact that I was always so different than other kids. Maybe it was because I have heard most of my life that I need to be more normal. Whatever the reason I had very little confidence in me and so I learned to hide. I’m the person that can be in a room full of people and noone noticed me because I can hide myself away. For years, I denied myself my true passion for writing. Yes, I would write but it would be sporadic and something I never told anyone about. I would dream about being a writer. I would read interviews from writers I love and my first thought was, I wish I could do that. I didn’t chase the dream because I had the expectation that I would fail. The idea of success never crossed my mind as a possibility.
So what changed for me? That’s where the complicated part comes in. What changed was, I moved to a new state where I knew only two other people outside of my immediate family. I had no side jobs, nothing outside of my kids, and realization hit that I had wasted away my time doing very little with my life. I wanted to be me. I wanted to show my kids that there was more to life than just being a mom. I started writing again but only when my kids were in school. At the time my son was in preschool two days a week. I believed I needed to focus all my time and energy on my kids and husband. If I was going to start writing again, I would do it in my free time and not when I should be spending time with my kids. The problem with this theory is that writing is not a sometimes thing. You have to be dedicated to your craft. It took me months to realize it and yet I continued to do the same thing. I was self-sabotaging by not dedicating my time to what I really wanted. The reason was not what I told myself it was. The reason had more to do with what if I did succeed? What if I started writing and published and people actually liked what I created? What do I do then? That created a panic in me. Failure I was good at, success not so much. What do you do with success?
I ignored my desire to write more than I was currently doing and to work towards a goal for months. Then something happened. See my mom has always said we meet or read things for a reason. Life or maybe it’s fate drops events or people in front of us when we need it. I have never believed this myself until very recently. The writing program on my computer crashed and erased most of what I had written. It had kept some of the work I did but not most of it. Talk about panic. I panicked and began to question if this was a sign I shouldn’t do this. Maybe I was setting myself up just for life to show me I needed to just be a mom. I made a deal with myself, I would rewrite everything and if it happened again I would stop and never write again. I had a printed copy of the first five chapters of Bad Witch Walking and I began to rewrite everything using a different program. What I discovered was the writing I was doing was okay but my story was missing a lot of things. The first being more of me. I made the decision to write a couple hours a day. I would fix the problems in the story. My son is good at playing by himself and I could take that time after my daughter went to school to do two hours of writing.
At some point two hours became four and then I was writing all the time. About six months later my mom came to visit me for the first time and I started talking to her about publishing. I still thought it was a pipe dream but she didn’t. She offered to help edit what I was writing. I believe when we started editing was when everything began really shifting for me. I started finding confidence in my writing and thinking maybe success was a possibility. There was still a voice of doubt but it was quieter than it had ever been. As I was editing on the weekends with my mom, I started writing Bad Karma and a plan began to take shape not just for the books, but for me. See when Savannah came to me I had a very low opinion of myself. The more I worked with her and built her story the more I saw I was worthy of something. The fear of success had a lot to do with that little voice in my head saying I don’t deserve success. What I learned from Savannah was I did deserve to succeed. I deserved to chase my dreams. I deserved to be seen and heard.
The revelation I had through Savannah caused me to look at other areas of my life. What I was teaching my kids? What I was doing to my body as a way to ensure no one looked at me? I started to make changes. The first was with my eating habits. I needed to make better and smarter choices. I had developed some issues with my gallbladder and it was the lack of care I had for myself. So I started cutting out things, giving up sugar, soda, and fried foods. Then I made it a priority to workout daily. Slowly my body began to make the shift I wanted, just as my mind was. Writing became a full-time act that I discovered that I loved. In this crazy journey of self discovery, I began to meet my fears head on. I lost twenty nine inches, I published a book, I am learning to mountain bike and discovered I love to hike. I love working out. I love that push I give myself when I think I can’t go another mile or I can’t do another rep and I do. There is nothing like the accomplished feeling you get from it. I discovered I really liked me. I am different from all the other moms and most people and I like that I am. I am smart, talented and not to brag too much but look damn good. I am even meeting my fear of going back to work and start my new job this morning. The next stage of my life is going to be a challenge but anything that is worth having should be hard because when you find that success you feel the accomplishment to your soul.
I was talking with my friend, Barry, recently. Barry and I have known each other for almost twenty years and he has witnessed all of my ups and downs. He is also one of the most creative and uplifting people I know. I was talking about how scared I was about the next stage in my life. The fear I have been feeling for the past two or three weeks have been almost paralyzing. It has made me question if I am making the right decisions for my future. When I told him this, his response was simple, “The best decisions are always the scariest ones we make”. He then followed up with I was going to be fine. Those words helped shut down the self-doubt, a little bit more. It helped me not go back to the girl who pretended to not exist. Do I still have self-doubt? Yes. Do I still fear success? Yes, but it no longer paralyzes me. The fear is a softer voice in my head that I tell on a regular basis to shut the hell up. When it gets to loud, I call one of my friends or my mom or my kids will say something that reminds me that I am not the person I used to be.
The change in me has also changed them. My daughter is not a risk taker. She is unsure of things she doesn’t know how to do. She tries to blend in so no one notices her. A month ago, she took the leap and started karate. Yesterday in a room with at least thirty people she did not know, she got her yellow belt. She was terrified to do the test but she faced the fear and kicked some ass. I couldn’t have been prouder of her. My son is not shy or worried about things that scare him but he is making changes by making healthier choices without me pushing him. He is wanting to climb more and play more instead of watching TV. This in my book is a win.
So face those fears. Don’t let them stop you from being you. Tell those voices that say you can’t do it to shut the hell up. Be you, do you. Until next time!
No comments have been added yet.
