This is a follow-up to "Famous Last Words by Bosses I've Had" here: http://edweissman.com/famous-last-words-by-bosses-ive-had
Discussion of Part 1 here:
http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3360862I didn't make any of these up...
Boss: How long will the Shipping Module take?Jim: 6 weeks.Boss writes down "6 weeks".Mark: But Jim, we can use ORP640 in the Shipping Module.Jim: Oh right. 3 weeks. Boss erases "6 weeks" and writes down "3 weeks".Me: But ORP640 doesn't recognize intercompany orders. It'll take 3 weeks to add that functionality.Jim: Right. 6 weeks. Boss erases "3 weeks" and writes down "6 weeks".Mark: But you don't need intercompany orders in the Shipping Module. We'll just make them transfers.Jim: Right. 3 weeks. Boss erases "6 weeks" and writes down "3 weeks".Me: But we can't do intercompany transfers for military orders. We won't get the mil-spec paperwork. It'll take 3 weeks to add that functionality. Jim: Right. 6 weeks.Boss erases "3 weeks" and writes down "6 weeks".Mark, Jim, and I bust out laughing. Boss checks his zipper.
Boss: We need the automatic scheduler to email us when the automatic scheduler is not running.
2 computers are next to each other in the Test Lab.I switch the keyboards and mice, cover the wires with paper, sit down at the right computer, and turn off its monitor.Boss sits down at the left computer. Boss: OK, lets try this thing out.Boss types, but nothing appears.Boss: This isn't working.I discretely type garbage, which displays on his screen.Boss: OK, something's happening here. Me: That shouldn't happen. What did you do?Boss: I just tried to log in.Me: Well, it didn't work. Try it again.Boss types, but nothing appears.Boss: It's still not working. I discretely type garbage, which displays on his screen.Me: What did you do? This worked perfectly in User Acceptance Testing yesterday.Boss: I didn't do anything. I just tried to log in. Me: Well, something's wrong. We'll have to look at it after lunch.Boss: OK, but I'm going to have to add one more week to the schedule.
Boss, at the end of a 4 hour meeting to review new Time Sheet Codes: OK, that oughta wrap things up. Any questions? Me: What code should we use for 4 hour meetings to review Time Sheet Codes?Fred: "P809, Fucking Off".Boss slams portfolio shut and storms out.Laughter ensues.Two days later, no more Fred.
Boss: We need a report that reports every bug the day before it happens.
Boss: Your expense report doesn't tally. It's off by 22 cents. I can't approve it. One week later:Me: The year end general ledger doesn't tally. It's off by $14,123.61.Boss: Don't worry about it. We'll just write it off.
Boss: We don't have a cron in development. How will the nightly batch get done while we're testing it? Me: I'll just keep a dev session open on my account and spawn a delayed job every night.3 weeks later:Boss: HR has informed me that you have too much idle time on your dev account. Why aren't you working harder?
Boss: Our Accounts Payable vendor is refusing to provide support until we pay our maintenance bill. Why aren't we paying them?Me: Because the Accounts Payable software that we bought doesn't work and we don't have support.
A customer in South Carolina had been repeatedly reporting "deadly embraces" in their pessimistic locking application over the past 6 months. No one had been able to reproduce their problem. Help Desk: Joe is calling from South Carolina. They're locked again.Boss: I'm getting sick of this. Log off both sessions and close the ticket.Me: Noooo! Don't do anything. I'll telnet into both sessions and find out what's causing this. Boss: What should I do.Me: Stay away from your phone and your computer for the next 20 minutes.
Boss: Sue did 32 tickets last month. You only did 7. Why don't you get as much work done as she does? Me: I do. My tickets were for development projects. Hers were for bug fixes and password assignments.Boss: So?
Boss: Sam pushed a bug into production last week. How do we prevent that from ever happening again? Me: Don't let anyone do anything.Boss: No, I'm serious.Me: So am I.
Boss: Even since we started recycling paper and printing on the back side, I'm not getting the right reports. Me: Look at the other side.
Boss: This customer in Michigan won't pay their bill. Why?Me: They claim that the work they contracted for is incomplete.Boss: Then why don't you finish it? Me: Because the contract states, "...and anything else the client specifies until they're satisfied."Boss: What idiot signed that contract?Me: You did.
Boss: Fred in Buffalo loves you for speeding up his nightly batch by 90%. What did you do? Me: I found a "SLEEP 10 SECONDS" inside a recursion. I removed it.Boss: Stupid! You should have just changed it to "SLEEP 5 SECONDS" so we had more to give him next time he complains.
The company serves free bagels, donuts, and coffee to all of the programmers every Wednesday. Cost: $200.Boss: In order to cut expenses, bagel day will now be every other Wednesday. The company now serves free bagels, donuts, coffee, fresh fruit, juice, and egg sandwiches to all of the programmers every other Wednesday. Cost: $400.
Boss: You did great this year. I'm giving you a 2% increase. Me: I hate you. I quit.Boss: Then I'll give you a 4% increase.Me: I hate you twice as much. I quit.
(OK, I made this last one up. But all the others are real, I swear)
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