This is 45

This is 45.  I am halfway through my forties.

In the first half of this decade, I have: lost a parent and a parent-in-law. watched a child leave home. watched a child get her driver’s license. watched both children grow taller than I am. visited 3 European cities with my children. seen cancer up close. watched my close friends lose parents. gone to funerals, weddings, and christenings. with 4 beloved colleagues, founded a company that’s thriving. seen the Grand Canyon and Hawaii for the first time. edited an essay collection published by Simon & Schuster.

I am less sure of anything than ever. I have more questions about what happens after death every year. I have known some of those dearest to me for over a quarter century. I’ve been married 19 years, and have lived in the same house for 18. I wake up at 5-something almost every day. I can recognize a kindred spirit when I see him or her (and the reverse, too). I told my college friends I was both shocked and grateful to find myself here in midlife, and that’s true.

I have frown lines between my eyes but I’m happier than ever in a quiet, sturdy way. I deeply, deeply love my life.

originally posted on my birthday (8/16) on instagram.