"I was broken like this before you came along.I never lied when I told you that my issuescouldn’t..."

“I was broken like this before you came along.

I never lied when I told you that my issues

couldn’t be fixed just by filling me up

with love and precious memories

that would one day turn into a smell;

the nostalgic tenderness of a time

that felt better than today.

I wasn’t able to find my heart

when I wanted to tell you that maybe

this isn’t exactly what we thought it would be.

But don’t get me wrong, I searched for it

for longer than you’d know; while you

were working, while you were sleeping

and sometimes when you were in

the other room carrying on a conversation

with me as if nothing was buried beneath

the depths of my insecurities.

No one can ever tell me that I didn’t try,

that we didn’t try. I have the evidence

on the palms on my hands,

on the bottom of my feet

and on the rough side of my heart.

I can’t tell you the last time I freed myself

with my own words. I have felt so empty

for so long and I never once thought

you didn’t try to save me with

what you thought was kindness and love.

But I needed more, and don’t we all?

Isn’t that always someone’s story?

Isn’t that always the beginning

of two lovers end? But I don’t want it to end,

not this way. Not before we really got started.

Not before you could one day see the sides of me

that I know are somewhere in this mess

of a woman who has taken on the responsibility

of keeping others alive. I don’t want to leave

but there are times when I know it would be easier

for you, better for you, better for everyone.

I’ve never been one to give up, have never been one

to leave without a note, without a warning,

without a trace of where you could find me.

But somewhere inside of me is telling me

that even if I did leave, that even if I did leave you

with hints of where I will end up,

where I went to get away, where I went

to find the parts of myself that I know

would be easier to love,

that you wouldn’t even try

to look for me anyway.”

- “to the person who loves me,” - Colleen Brown