I Will Be Brave…a meditation on fear
I think fear is evil’s most powerful weapon. Fear pits itself against some of the human spirit’s most benevolent impulses. Fear keeps us from becoming the kind of people we want to be. Fear paralyzes, love flows.
There are two types of fear: external and internal. I listed external first because it is the more publicized. Just watching the news this week, I felt the fear of sharks, tornadoes, Russians, buffalo (!), greedy companies, forest fires, psycho people who could be anyone, and, of course, Trump. That is where we focus our defense mechanisms to combat our fear—on the external stuff. I suspect the devil likes it that way. But I think the fear that we repress and ignore and disguise is the internal fear. That fear can spread within us like the roots of a tree, but at its most basic essence, it is the fear to be ourselves. There is a cure.
My biggest fear is letting go. I have a recurrent, unsettling fear of heights. The root of that must be that I am afraid I will let myself go and jump. I don’t want to jump, I don’t plan to jump. But I am afraid that on impulse I will let myself jump. I ‘m scared of what will happen if I just let go. Do you see how internal that fear is?
But what does it mean to let go? I want it to mean that I put my complete trust in God: for every event, for every circumstance, for every decision, for every relationship, for every conversation; for every action, for every reaction. God has promised me He is with me every single moment of my life. I don’t always (actually, not very often) feel His presence. So the bridge is faith—I can only realize His presence by believing He is here. The genius of His plan is that as we believe He becomes more real. Dear Lord, increase my faith.
The biggest fear of my teaching career: How would I react in a school shooting situation? Before I retired, I used to pray I would stand up and throw my stapler at the guy and not hide under my desk. You don’t know for sure how you will react. That is internal fear.
What is the source of my fear? That there is a being more powerful than I, bent on my destruction, who I will eventually succumb to. That I will become evil. That I will choose wrong vs. right. When you are totally corrupted, you are lost.
How does my fear affect me? By making me become less than I am meant to be. By encouraging me to settle. By keeping things on a superficial level intentionally. By thinking of the worst-case scenario first. By thinking more about myself than others. By hiding Jesus rather than proclaiming Him. By navigating life rather than embracing it. By figuring out how to just get by.
Wow, I’ve described a neurotic mess. Lost, but not hopeless. Actually, I am far more optimistic than that. Because when you come right down to it, there are only two choices: be brave or let your fear hide you.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. (Joshua 1:9) The bravest thing we can do is act in the light of His presence. It is a subtle commitment—most of the time you don’t know if He’s there. But you believe that He is and you act accordingly. That is the soul of bravery.
What I love is that we get so many opportunities to exercise our bravery muscle throughout every ordinary day. Every choice we make subliminally makes a statement to the throne: “I am for You” or “I am for myself.” When we choose beyond ourselves, we are being brave–the cure I mentioned earlier.
And so I vow to be braver. I believe our character only really changes as we allow God to change it, not as we strive to become a different person. Consequently, I invite You, Lord Jesus, to examine my heart, to separate the wheat from the chaff, to change me as I need to be changed, and to make me the person You want me to be. As You continue Your lifelong open heart surgery, I will be brave.
Afterword: I am pretty sure (still checking it out) that if you get a handle on the internal fear, the external will become far less terrifying.
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