Ashes 2019: England v Australia second Test, day one washed out – as it didn't happen

Updates from the opening day of play at Lord’sVic Marks: England hope for instant Archer impactAny thoughts? Email Geoff here or tweet him here

4.47pm BST

Who does a washout benefit? Obviously there’s more chance of a draw, with a day lost to rain. Is that to Australia’s advantage, with one fewer match for England to make up the series deficit? Is it to England’s, to nullify a ground where Australian teams have played well for over a century? The wilds of the north will be different. Of course, we’ll have extended hours over the next four days and might well still get a result. But if any more rain comes – and there are bits and pieces forecast – we’ll lose serious time with each delay.

Let’s come back tomorrow to see what happens next. Thanks to Rob Smyth for being my comrade in damp, and everyone else for playing along on THE RAIN SHOW! Until next time.

4.43pm BST

“550 tests out of 2355, but how many days commentating?” asks Mark Lewis. “Something statisticians might (struggle to) get their teeth into. How many of the 550 tests were washouts, 3 day drubbings, etc? Where would one begin!?”

4.34pm BST

Smart footy.

@GeoffLemonSport I was livid when I didn’t get the 1st day ticket in the Lord’s ballot, ended up buying a 5th day ticket as a consolation - this is turning out to be a master stroke on my part thanks to the weather #Ashes

4.31pm BST

Good stat from some sentient books.

@GeoffLemonSport I think JCW MacBryan at Manchester in 1924 didn't get onto the field on his only Test appearance

4.28pm BST

@GeoffLemonSport

Are you made of sugar ?
This is the question posed to me by my colleagues here in sport-loving Czech Republic

Why are our highly paid well-toned cricketers so hydrophobic

I know, I know... but it’s about the ball, innit? It gets wet and soggy and it doesn’t work. And it’s about the pitch: it gets boggy and then dries and then you need Victor Trumper dancing about to make a match-high 37. And it’s the combination of ball and pitch, because if you thunk a bouncer into the mud it won’t bounce at all, it’ll just stick there in the divot like a strawberry in icing.

4.21pm BST

That’s it folks. We will not get on today after the soaking that the ground has taken. So the traditionalists will get their wish: the Lord’s Test will start on a Thursday after all. Though the iconoclasts will get their wish too: another four-day Test match. That was plenty of time when Ireland visited a few weeks ago, and it might well be plenty of time for us here.

4.19pm BST

Alright then. Bill Frindall’s obituary suggests 377 Tests professionally, and as he took that job at the age of 27, probably had a couple of dozen before that. The Wisden piece below had Richie Benaud’s tally at 486, but that was when the piece was written in the Ashes summer of 2002-03. Richie had another three summers in England and another nine or ten summers in Australia, so you can probably add another 65 or so to that, round it out at 550 or so. Today, if we get on, is Test 2355. So even today Richie would have seen almost a quarter of all Tests ever played.

4.05pm BST

“Isn’t it likely that Bill Frindall saw more Tests than Aggers, CMJ or any other TMS person? He always seemed to be on duty during every session of every match. At least in what remains of my memory.”

Good point from Kim Thonger: the scorers do tend to see more cricket than the callers. Andy Zaltzman was at more than 30 World Cup matches this summer, for instance. But I don’t know how much Bill Frindall toured overseas – others can advise. And I don’t know that he did matches other than England’s. Someone like Benaud covered two countries’ seasons every year.

3.59pm BST

“There doesn’t seem to be any mention of the toss having been made. Surely the rain doesn’t need to stop that part of the game, or do the rules say otherwise? It’s not like they would have had a re-toss if it started bucketing down straight after, so the argument that it would affect what the winner would choose seems irrelevant. It would at least give us something to dissect. Am I wrong?”

Well... yes, Nick Mills, if I can be so indelicate. You are. You’re not wrong about there being no mention of the toss, because there hasn’t been one. But of course a captain after days of lost time and lots of moisture affecting the conditions might make a different decision at the toss. You can’t ask someone to decide on one day what they might not start doing until four days later. They haven’t even formally named teams yet, because the match hasn’t formally begun.

3.56pm BST

Hello, English friends. Hello everyone else too. I can answer one question below about who has seen the most Test cricket: this is Jim Maxwell’s 305th Test match attended in a professional capacity. He may not track these numbers but I do. Throw in perhaps another 20 that he would have watched in Sydney before starting professional work in 1973, and you’ve got a decent number. Scyld Berry though of the Telegraph has seen upward of 400 Test matches, and if I remember the story correctly had never missed a Lord’s Test in his lifetime until last year when his daughter’s wedding fell on that weekend. I wonder if it was a test.

3.51pm BST

That’s it from me for now. Geoff will be with you until the inevitable abandonment - bye.

3.43pm BST

Meanwhile, in Port-of-Spain, West Indies are 114-0 after 1o overs against India. And it’s not even a T20 match. (Thanks to Rob Smith for alerting me to that.)

3.35pm BST

“I recall that about five players were given new caps in the England v Ireland ODI in May 2015,” says Paul Chandler. “I don’t think a ball was bowled that day. Certainly not more than a few overs. Not sure if all those players went on to get more caps.”

That was Zafar Ansari’s only ODI appearance, but it’s in the book because 18 overs were bowled (though none by him). He also went on to play three Tests. The other debutants in that ODI were Jason Roy, James Vince, Mark Wood and David Willey, whose subsequent exploits need no further descIT ONLY BLOODY WELL CAME HOME!

3.31pm BST

“I remember reading a while back that, before he passed away, Richie probably had a good claim to have watched the most live Test cricket of any human being, ever,” says Neil Stewart. “Richie obviously can’t add to his match tally now, and there must now be some other candidates to nominate. Clive Lloyd seems a good bet, or perhaps Geoffrey Boycott. Jim Maxwell or even Jonathan Agnew. Ranjan Madugalle seems to referee every match I’ve been to. Do you or readers have other nominees?”

I don’t – but Wisden 2003 does.

3.24pm BST

It’s now pouring down at Lord’s. Plotspoiler: ain’t gonna be no cricket today.

3.24pm BST

“Has any unfortunate ever been given their national cap without ever getting on the field for their country?” asks Sean Clayton. “And would they have to give the cap back if it did happen?”

I suspect the answer to both questions is no. The one person who does come to mind is poor Alan Jones.

3.20pm BST

“Was any cricketer as universally loved (particularly in England and Australia) as Richie Benaud?” muses William Charlton. “Did any cricketer do as much both on and off the field? His integrity and impartiality shone like a beacon. Could we not honour his greatness with a statue at one of our Test grounds?”

I agree, Benaud was cricket’s best friend. There is a statue of him at the Sydney Cricket Ground; I suppose people would say there are English players more deserving of a statue at the Test grounds in this country. I don’t feel strongly either way, I just want a quiet life.

3.16pm BST

“Dear Rob,” says Jason Ali. “I have a query related to Jofra Archer’s debut Test cap. If the entire match was washed out, would his cap truly count?”

No, it wouldn’t. The last time that happened in an England Test, I think, was in Guyana in 1990.

3.07pm BST

‘Remember when’ is the lowest form of conversation

Twenty-nine years ago today, a 17-year-old Sachin Tendulkar made a glorious maiden Test century.

3.04pm BST

All hail the Marmy Army

The ‘Marmy Army’ is a brand-new group formed of loyal and faithful Marmite fans. The newly established team will be outside the UK’s major cricket grounds, hoping to bowl over Aussies with the taste of Marmite and declare them lovers of Britain’s favourite savoury toast topper. pic.twitter.com/IZfqqxLjfx

2.59pm BST

I’m sorry to say it’s raining again, and I fear that might be it for today. Heavy rain is forecast for between 3-5pm.

2.54pm BST

If the match does start, the afternoon session with be 3.30-5.10pm, with the evening session from 5.30-7pm.

2.52pm BST

Jofra Archer has been handed his Test cap by Chris Jordan, which is a nice touch.

2.41pm BST

Play will start at 3.30pm, caveats permitting.

2.39pm BST

We’re going to get some cricket! (If there’s no more rain)

The toss will take place at 3pm, with the match starting at I’llgetbacktoyou.

2.38pm BST

The imaginary prize for email of the day goes to...

“The first Test was my first real experience of watching SPD Smith,” says Robert Ellson. “I think watching him bat is essentially like going through the five stages of grief. At first, denial: you watch him shuffle across his stumps and think he’s going to get out LBW every ball. Then anger: you can’t believe this joker is getting so lucky as to play across his pads and never miss it.

2.34pm BST

“Inspection by Leftfield?” muses James Debens. “That’s bare lame from the insomniac’s boyfriend, Boris Starling, my superannuated amigo. All we hep daddios are grooving to the Balearic beatz of Introspection by MGMT, only the band that Can could have been. Introspection was a cover of a deeply obscure psychedelic cut by Faine Jane. As in the Edge is faine...”

Can anyone translate?

2.33pm BST

“Good to see we are still in with a shout in this Test,” says Ian Copestake. “Loved your Joy of Six, sir. Go on, give it a plug!”

Oh go on then.

Related: The Joy of Six: Great forgotten innings | Rob Bagchi and Rob Smyth

2.29pm BST

“Afternoon Rob,” says Matt Emerson. “The article on GD McGrath had me scuttling off to Statsguru. Here’s the list of the England batsmen who had the best average when McGrath was playing for Australia (min 5 matches). No surprise to see KP highest – his average is actually under 40 when McGrath isn’t in the side. Cook’s average of 27.60 v 42.63 when McGrath wasn’t playing is an interesting counterpoint...”

I’d be loath to read too much into that Cook stat, simply because he only played one series against McGrath. Mind you, I’d love to see head-to-head data from the 1980s and 1990s. I remember producing some statistical F.U.N. before the 2002-03 Ashes, and found that Ponting averaged something like 160 against Caddick and 20 against Gough.

2.25pm BST

“How’s the panel going?” says Emma John. “I’m doing one on the best country music alter egos… it’s pretty niche. But it did introduce me to Lester ‘Roadhog’ Moran and the Cadillac Cowboys.”

When you say pretty niche. As for Smith, I’ve cracked the case - all we need is a flux capacitor and Chris Tremlett.

2.22pm BST

“Dear Rob,” says Boris Starling. “Whenever I see the word ‘inspection’ in an OBO, I think of this (frankly epic) Leftfield track.”

You and nones of others, I suspect. Great song, though. They’ve done some rare old corkers. Snake Blood, which I think was done for the film The Beach, is my favourite.

2.12pm BST

The umpires will inspect against at 2.30pm. They are worried about a few damp patches on the outfield.

2.11pm BST

The umpires are inspecting at their leisure. If it stays dry I suspect play will start around 3pm, but there have been smaller ifs.

2.06pm BST

“How to get Smith out?” muses Matt Dony. “Hmmm. If there’s one thing I know about Australians, it’s that they flipping love You’re The Voice by John Farnham. Regular blasts of that through the PA, then when he starts joining in with the ‘Whooohooohooooaah’ bits in closed-eyed rapture, send Archer in to demolish the stumps. I’m not one for the moral high ground.”

1.57pm BST

“Archer is the key to dismissing Steve Smith,” says Ian Batch. “The fact he bowls so close to the stumps (bowlers end) and fast, means that Smith’s trigger movement across the stumps will make him more susceptible to LBW because he can’t get outside the line of off stump like he can to those that deliver from wider on the crease.

“Archer should also bowl a knuckle ball an over with a catching cover and midwicket in place so that any mistimed shot can be taken – similar to Maxwell’s dismissal in the WC semi-final when he was through his shot early and completely deceived. The faster you bowl, the harder it is to detect the slower ball, so ideally one after a very slippery bouncer would be my instruction.”

1.51pm BST

“Rob,” says Bob O’Hara. “Does the apocalyptic forecast for later just mean that England will be batting first?”

1.37pm BST

Inspection at 2pm!

It has stopped raining and the covers are coming off, though the forecast for later is apocalyptic. Don’t get your hopes up.

1.32pm BST

Have you listened to this week’s Spin podcast? If not, do so at your earliest convenience - it’s a gem.

Related: Celeb watching at Lord's, Olympic cricket and Steve Smith on Strictly – The Spin podcast

1.24pm BST

“There doesn’t seem to be any mention of the toss,” says Nick Mills. “Surely the rain doesn’t need to stop that part of the game, or do the rules say otherwise? It’s not like they would have had a re-toss if it started bucketing down straight after the toss had been held, so the argument that it would affect what the winner of the toss would choose seems irrelevant. It would at least give us something to dissect. Am I wrong?”

You are. They only toss up when they have a scheduled start time. That seems fair to me, because the captain who wins the toss deserves to have a vague idea of the conditions in which the game will start. Also, both teams need to name their final XI at the toss. If England had to pick a team today, they might choose Curran over Leach. If the game doesn’t start until tomorrow, and the sun shines as expected, they’d be much more likely to choose Leach.

1.13pm BST

The Lord’s bogeyman

Nobody does nostalgia as well as Scott Oliver, and this is a masterful piece on the man who shattered a million English dreams.

Of the 30 Ashes Tests he played, McGrath only lost one when the urn was still on the line. If you were an England batsman of the '90s and '00s, chances were pretty high he had your scalp in his bag@reverse_sweeper on the cricketer he hates to lovehttps://t.co/7wz3Dpr1bP

1.03pm BST

Thanks Geoff, hello everyone. Nothing much to report, so I’m going to proceed with a panel on how the flip England can dismiss Steve Smith. If anyone changes at Lord’s, you’ll hear it here fourth.

12.56pm BST

And last before lunch it’s Neil Truby. The rain is still coming down, the ground is drenched, and the food smells good. I’m about to be carried away on the scent like Yogi Bear. Battery is down to 7%. What happened there?

“Here in Somerset, whence London’s weather comes, it’s not exactly sunny, but it’s no longer raining, and with a drying breeze. I’ve already been outside to check whether the Husqvarna can go on yet, with a further inspection due at 1.30. Weather travels at 30mph I believe so you should be good for a 5pm start.”

12.53pm BST

“I thought some OBO readers might like to see real-time footage of the weather at Lord’s, so here’s a link to the webcam at the zebra crossing outside Abbey Road Studios which is 400 metres away from the ground. You scroll down and click on the red ‘live’ button to get it.”

Very thoughtful from Romeo.

12.52pm BST

Martin Gillam emails in happily. “The rain delay has a huge bonus for we Australians watching Channel 9 here – they’re replaying the 2006-07 test from Adelaide. Wonder how that will turn out?”

12.51pm BST

We’re down to 18% with 10 minutes to go. Can we nurse this blog through until Smyth saves the day?

12.46pm BST

“I thought that ‘not clever’ was an example of litotes, but it’s been a very long time since I studied grammar and am probably mistaken,” writes Ben Powell. Aside from litotes sounding like things that grow on your tonsils, that’s true, it is a positive expressed by the negative. My thought is just that the adjective doesn’t match because cleverness is an attribute of a sentient being acting deliberately, not a fortunate turn of events. Good and clever are not synonyms, even if cleverness is generally good.

12.42pm BST

If you want an update to show how professional this operation is, my laptop cord has now given up the ghost and we’re on 23% battery life with 18 minutes until the lunch break. Hmmm. Like this match, the last life is slowly leaching away.

12.30pm BST

“I think cricket’s use of language adds to the charm,” writes Dave Adams. “I love the Australian use of ‘ordinary’, which is similar to when you hear commentators say a batsman averaging 7.9 in a series is ‘pretty moderate’ when they actually mean ‘dismal’, ‘shocking’, or just ‘shit’. There’s a fine line between cowardly and diplomatic, and I guess it’s difficult to be too harsh on a player as a journalist if you’re reliant on them being willing to give you an interview at some point.
By the way - forecast says it’s going to stop raining (properly this time) in 53 minutes...”

I’ll believe it when I see it.

12.27pm BST

12.27pm BST

“I used to have a knack of coming to Ashes Tests on wet days,” writes Tim Sanders. “The Friday at Lords in 1977 was the last rain in England for 3 months. The Sunday at Headingley in 2001 had just enough play to avoid refunds, and led to Gilchrist’s bold declaration. The Saturday at Old Trafford in 2005 gave me a treasured memory of my late father-in-law, as he sat alone in the stand attempting the crossword as the Yorkshire Post turned to papier mâché in his hands.

“So when my son and I made our way to Trent Bridge on a cloudy Thursday morning in 2015, I was pessimistic. However, that day turned out OK for most of those present. I’m convinced that it was Joe Root and Jonny Bairstow’s batting that made the sun come out that afternoon.”

12.10pm BST

“I can’t wait to see how you keep yourself entertained over four days of rain at Old Trafford. I think we might see the emergence of ‘Canal Walking With Geoff Lemon’ as an OBO highlight.”

Bring me a raincoat will you, Grif? I’ll need a local one.

12.07pm BST

The rain came back, if you hadn’t guessed. It’s really just a matter of when we call it off now, though a decent wedge of crowd remains under the roofs. May as well be here as anywhere, I suppose? If you want something else to do while we wait, have a listen to Our Emma and her Spin podcast.

Related: Celeb watching at Lord's, Olympic cricket and Steve Smith on Strictly – The Spin podcast

11.51am BST

“Good morning, Geoff.”

Good morning, Graham Samuel-Gibbon!

11.43am BST

“I am having a disturbing vision involving a lemon-yellow Australia shirt slithering off David Boon’s broad and hairy chest before he reaches for a squiggly-writing “laaaaaaady’s” shirt, saying “Don’t judge me” as Jonny Bairstow looks at him askance, moodily handling a pair of purple sparkly balls. The rain means I might now get to bed this evening here in Australia but that vision has now ruined any chance I have of sleep. Cheers, Geoff.”

Jane Evans, that sounds more like a dream to me. Jump straight in the middle of that situation. A melange of eras, a meld of minds. Adventures on the astral plane beat commutes on the bus.

11.41am BST

I think it has stopped raining in the most immediate sense, because the ground staff are out there sweeping water to the edges of the covers, but I’m sure it will start again soon enough.

11.40am BST

Thanks to David Peacock for unearthing the Brendan Taylor report. I assume it was a dealership promotion where you get one Zimbabwe player for free with each purchase.

Related: Nottinghamshire’s Brendan Taylor found asleep in someone’s car after celebrating win

11.38am BST

“There’s nearly always live sport at Lord’s if you know where to look,” writes Michael Keane. “Having done the shop, if you you get really desperate you can pop in to the real tennis court. Spare a thought for the players though - the roof has had a leak for quite a few weeks and that floor gets slippy.”

I will be in there within the hour, I reckon.

11.37am BST

Alastair Ferguson is the fastest gun in the West.

11.32am BST

If someone can send me the TMS overseas link, I’ll disseminate it more widely. Better yet, tell me where to find it on an ongoing basis.

11.26am BST

“The best rain delay I experienced was at a one-day cup semi final between Notts and Durham at the Home of Cricket (Trent Bridge),” writes Daniel Dalby. “My friend and I met Paul Collingwood and Samit Patel (a true cricket legend) early doors. Due to certain contacts that I wouldn’t like to incriminate we had a half-price bar for the day. The heavens opened from 3 until 7, and the match was reduced to 20 overs a side. Samit Patel ripped through the Durham top order and smashed the ball to all corners. My friend was seen on local news, dancing to celebrate a six behind a very serious Mick Newell interview. I think the Notts players had a similar time, based on us seeing them in a bar later in the day and Brendan Taylor waking up the following morning in a stranger’s car in West Bridgeford.”

11.22am BST

Ryan Loonan went to quite some lengths to watch Lancashire play in a T20 quarter-final at Old Trafford.

“I arrived on Friday, it rained, it rained a bit more, and we were told to return the next day to do it all over again. Saturday came and rain was in the air. The game started at 14:00 and stopped 4 or 5 times, each one a swift shower followed by a 45-minute mopping up job. The thousand or so people in the ground got pretty efficient in their exits from the stands. There were a couple of games of varying quality against the bins under the stands. Every time we thought we were getting somewhere, more rain would come, and people were trying to find ball by ball DLS targets. At around 7pm, two days culminated in Glamorgan needing 15 runs to win off the final over. They scored 13 and Lancs won the day.”

11.19am BST

Back in the day TMS was always at its best in the rain,” emails JP. “Burbling was happily raised into art. Reminiscence was especially purple and dewy-eyed and often rheumy-eyed. Titans of the past had a weather-fuelled space and soapbox in which to ferociously berate every misguided venture and sin of modernity and it’s younger denizens. Gluttony abounded, and tippling too apparently. It was always something of a disappointment when the clouds parted and the (much less interesting) game could recommence.”

I rather enjoy the rain blogs more than the play blogs sometimes, if we’re honest. More of a stroll, less of a beep-test sprint foreshadowing arthritis. I can pop upstairs and see how much tippling is going on in the TMS box. They do have a fair few magnums of champagne floating about for one of their awards.

11.16am BST

“Whilst your piece about the umbrellas was almost poetic,” writes Alistair M, “I do wonder how many such pieces you can come up with for the rest of the day. When do you get to quit and do something else? Our cat isn’t letting persistent, almost torrential rain prevent her from sitting in next door’s garden. Clearly a better option than a house.”

Almost poetic. That’s a review I would have accepted gladly when I wrote poetry. Never try to understand cats, anyone. You know that by now. As for the opening question, I will be here writing almost poetry until play is called off or until Rob Smyth carries my cold rigid husk out to the bonfire.

11.14am BST

“The 113 was the bus we took from home in Cricklewood during my 8 years of London life,” writes Paul Blundell. “It was only for going to Lord’s for whatever game was most interesting that summer that our backpacker’s budget could allow.
My overwhelming memory is it raining every time...”

11.10am BST

Surely Mr Seaman should be able to handle some wet weather?

How’s my luck??? First time ever I’ve got tickets to watch England play at #Lords... #Ashes2019 #Ashes pic.twitter.com/vGTAbn9jzh

11.06am BST

Raymond Reardon has some helpful advice for us all. “The internet site for St John’s Wood needs updating as it currently states that sunrise was supposed to be 5.45am. Also Geoff, if you are delayed at the liquid mood enhancer parlour today, also note that the last 113 bus today leaves at 0.38am Thursday.”

I’m going to be sleeping under the desk, aren’t I?

11.03am BST

Dave Adams has sent me a screenshot of the radar. “This doesn’t look too clever, but it’s moving slowly eastwards. Play by 14:30 is my super-optimistic shout...”

It’s interesting, the English use of ‘not clever’ for something just being not good. Especially inanimate things or events or situations. It confuses my brain a bit because my understanding of cleverness involves intent. This is your linguistic thought for the day.

10.58am BST

And that’s it. Your exciting tour through the Lord’s shop. Don’t say you haven’t got your money’s worth today. (I am expecting a kickback shipment of purple sparkly cricket balls to land at my door shortly.)

10.57am BST

These are your hat choices: sad Trevor Bayliss bucket droop, or annoying prat who will cancel your lease with three days' notice and say it's just what the market demands. pic.twitter.com/f21QzWuCtr

10.54am BST

These are the most popular items in the shop: umbrellas, blankets, and Siddle hats. pic.twitter.com/dSwZDez0N0

10.51am BST

This is Jonny Bairstow looking gruff and pensive and like he would ride the rails across this whole wide land to get back to your town and win your heart. pic.twitter.com/45QKwz8qIN

10.47am BST

This is a purple sparkly cricket ball, which is an intrinsic social good. pic.twitter.com/HV26raGfSy

10.46am BST

This is Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, which is not on sale at the shop. An oversight. pic.twitter.com/e8Xqs687a3

10.43am BST

This is a ladies shirt, especially for ladies. Not because it's pink - pink is the Middlesex colour. But because it has swirly calligraphic writing. Ladies love swirly writing. Right? pic.twitter.com/99lbIYhzuF

10.43am BST

Here is a retro Australia shirt, in authentic 1992 satinate polyester! Just the sort that used to slither on and off David Boon's body with a whisper. pic.twitter.com/RmT6MlJEBv

10.37am BST

Because it's raining at the cricket, here are some of the fun things you can find in the Lord's shop.

Firstly, a crowd. There's nothing else to do and it's dry inside. Almost all of this crowd is a queue. pic.twitter.com/f00Q47braB

10.30am BST

I have been off round the ground again to curate some Top Quality Online Content™ for you. One moment.

10.14am BST

Of course you can still email me or tweet me if you like. Let me know your rain stories. What’s the most fun you’ve had during a rain delay? What was the least? What was the smartest or stupidest time that you played the rain card the night before?

10.11am BST

One thing I’ve learned a lot about this summer is umbrella etiquette. In Australia, it has to be raining for about three days straight before more than 0.1% of people remember to bring an umbrella out of the house. Here, the first drop of precipitation and bang: up go a forest of brollies. Then you have to work out footpath spacing and walking trails as everyone has a wider profile, and for the taller people among us there are a lot of metal spines at eyeball height. And yet it seems to work. People naturally take slightly wider berths and the umbrellas zip seamlessly between one another like a water ballet. It’s a wonder to watch.

10.00am BST

Ok, I’ve taken a tour on foot around Lord’s to bring you the latest. It is... wet. Not Noah wet, but maybe a half-Noah. There were more people leaving the ground than coming in, which frankly seems like good common sense. The ones remaining are some hardy Australians who have nothing better to do because none of our Prime Ministers is being deposed right this minute. The covers are on tight and the runoff hoses are pouring torrents out near the boundary line. Let’s settle in for more of the same.

9.38am BST

Good morning from London, buckaroos. Good other times in other parts of the world. Good different times again if you are simply astral travelling, beyond the plane of time as we understand it in a linear dimension. Good existence!

I am not astral travelling, I am 113 bus travelling. It is absolutely tipping down with rain in London, and I fear this may be something we repeat an untoward number of times.

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