Mohammed's Feast

Believers thronged Mohammed's home
To celebrate their win;
They'd cleaved the kuffar, flesh and bone
And punished them for sin.
The captive women served the feast
While weeping for their folk;
Jihadists tore up every beast
And bragged of how they broke
Each woman's son's or husband's head
With blows from swords and rocks,
Then pissed upon the bloody dead
And sliced off stiffened cocks.

Mohammed frowned at all the mess;
They'd stained his favourite shirt!
And why must nervous lads confess
War-crimes before dessert?
Their babble caused the prophet strife,
But worse things did he see:
A soldier chatting with Mo's wife,
"My fucking property!
I'd chuck the bastards in the street,
But then I'd be a jerk...
And fraudsters have to keep folk sweet
To make the scamming work."

The prophet glugged his wine and growled,
He gobbled dates and cream,
Then, eyes alight, Mohammed howled,
Because he'd found a scheme:
"Believers! Heaven's sent to me
A new Quranic verse,
So heed this wisdom, lest you be
Destroyed by Allah's curse!"
The diners dropped their bowls and roared:
"What will our prophet say?
A revelation from our Lord!
Illuminate the way!"

Mohammed coughed and bit his lip;
"This brazen scam may lose..."
But boldness filled him on a sip
Of looted kuffar booze.
"O Muslims, fuck off, leave this place!
(Our Allah's words, not mine!)
He says it brings such great disgrace
To linger when you dine;
Just scoff your meals and hit the doors
(He finds your banter shite!);
And, wives, don't act like common whores
But hide yourselves from sight."

Believers fled Mohammed's home,
Lest Allah do them in,
And cleave their bodies, flesh and bone,
To punish them for sin.
Mohammed sighed and waved his hand,
"You bitches clean the trash!"
While Muslims spread it through the land:
"You'd better dine and dash!"
The word went far in little time,
Mohammed laughed and cried:
"This Allah scam's the perfect crime,
The greatest ever lied!"

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If the poem sounds ridiculous, I should point out that -- based on a verse of the Quran -- something very much like this appears to have actually happened.

O you who have believed, do not enter the houses of the Prophet except when you are permitted for a meal, without awaiting its readiness. But when you are invited, then enter; and when you have eaten, disperse without seeking to remain for conversation. Indeed, that [behavior] was troubling the Prophet, and he is shy of [dismissing] you. But Allah is not shy of the truth. And when you ask [his wives] for something, ask them from behind a partition. That is purer for your hearts and their hearts. And it is not [conceivable or lawful] for you to harm the Messenger of Allah or to marry his wives after him, ever. Indeed, that would be in the sight of Allah an enormity. (Quran 33.53, Sahih International translation)

The Quran supposedly represents the verbatim speech of Allah, which existed in heaven for billions of years before he finally had Gabriel take it down to Mohammed piece by piece. His ultimate revelation. The Islamic equivalent of Jesus (God's logos, sent down to save and guide mankind). Hence many Muslims and former Muslims feel rather surprised to encounter a verse in which Allah tells Mohammed's dinner guests to piss off rather than staying to chat.