Contagious with Joy
[image error]I caught a bug about 20 years ago. It healed me from all my anxiety and stress, my self doubts and echoing defeats, my debilitating disease of depressing thoughts. I caught joy the summer before my senior year in high school. The virus wiped me clean of all the negativity that I had be harboring for years.
Looking back, I had a good life. I had a family that loved me, I was smart and gained a good education, I was physically healthy, I had all that I needed. I see that now, but at the time crippling worry and fear of hypochondria caused me to doubt my health daily. A low self esteem and self worth caused me to work harder with sleepless nights and empty stomachs trying to get the straight A’s. The restless thoughts of natural disasters kept me tense with paranoia. The shouts of strangers were louder than the weak voice inside myself. I knew all the verses. I said all the prayers. I sang the songs of God’s love, yet I didn’t feel it. I knew His love intellectually, but I didn’t faithfully. People probably didn’t know that I was suffering, because I didn’t know. I remember my mom constantly telling me to smile. I couldn’t. Looking at my photographs during this time period my smiles were usually coerced because a camera was in my face. Not because I believe I had a reason to smile.
Sad. Very sad that I wasted 4 or more years of my life with the belief that I wasn’t good enough. Years of hearing the names I was called and believing that the bullies were right. Years of not enjoying life.
Not. Anymore. More.
But what’s sadder is that people deal with these struggles all the time for decades or even lifetimes and never experience the healing of letting go and letting God. Cliche I know, but it’s true. People hide their true self from their spouses because it could get ugly. People hide their true colors from their friends and co workers because they believe they won’t care. People hide their true version of themselves from themselves. If you can’t face yourself in the mirror, how can you face the trials of tomorrow? Face it! You can!
After my awakening I was approached by someone in my church parking as the sun was going down (I remember this vividly) who said, “What happened Eric? You’ve changed.”
All I could do was smile. I knew I changed. I felt the change. And the answer I could say sounded so bizarre because I didn’t know what happened. It was just like after years and years of praying and clinging, it vanished. It finally hit me that I was clinging onto God, but I needed to fall and believe that He was clinging onto me. His hands are so much bigger than mine and my pursuit of clinging was fruitless. It’s when I fell, when I dived head first into the unknown that I felt freedom. I felt safety. I felt loved by the one who’s been holding onto me for years but I couldn’t feel it because I was focusing more on my tight grip. When I jumped, I quit focusing on my red knuckles and found myself caught into tender hands. No struggle needed. He had me. He had the whole time. He always had me.
Looking back, regrets could spring to mind of time wasted. But no regrets because I’ve had the last 20 years of a joy fueled existence. Most people can’t say that. I’ve had my share of ups and downs, long shadows and even longer nights, bouts of fear trying to take me hostage, moments when doubts smack me senseless.
But I am a warrior! I’m not strong enough to fight off my negativity, but He is! I know that I’m not an army of one. I’m not on a mission alone. I’m not climbing the mountains without a harness to catch me if my grip slips. I’m not running through the desert without a cloud of witnesses surrounding me, spurring me on. No, I am not alone and neither are you. We are in this life together. He is with, always with us! Nothing can separate us from His love…nothing but our willingness to accept it.
So, what disease do you have? The curable disease of negativity or the unquenchable contagion of JOY?
Come on, jump into His joy.
Only you can decide.
To jump or not to jump, that is the real question, sorry Macbeth.
I choose joy!
