Are You to Blame if Your Spouse Cheats on You?

If your husband has an affair, are you partially to blame?

That’s been something I’ve been debating heatedly on Facebook and Twitter this week, because I saw this Facebook status by Focus on the Family:

I found this rather disturbing, and posted it both on Facebook and Twitter. I’d say that about 80% of people agreed with me, but some pushed back. So I’d like to spend today talking about why I think this approach to infidelity is toxic. 

I really don’t want to talk about this. I had another post all planned for today–how a husband can know if his wife has had an orgasm. I’ve been planning posts on sexual tips for the rest of the summer, and I want to get back to fun stuff! But when an organization as influential as Focus on the Family says something this off-base, I feel like I have a responsibility to respond, because I know that this message is hurting people.

Please note, too, that I’m not commenting on the book itself. I don’t know the book; I haven’t read the book; I don’t plan on reading the book (I currently have a backlog of 11 books that are waiting for endorsements I need to read!). My issue is with the way that Focus on the Family chose to introduce the book–just those few words, 

Her husband’s infidelity didn’t mean the end of Tina Konkin’s marriage. Her willingness to answer the question, “What role did you play in this?” saved her marriage.

So let’s jump in!

Rebuilding a marriage after an affair is a two-step process: Repentance of the one who cheated, and then addressing the relationship

Many people, in the comments, were conflating the two. “Knowing how you played your role in marriage problems is essential if you want to rebuild!” I’d agree. It is.

But here’s the thing.

You can’t rebuild until the cheater repents. 

The first step must be repentance. No ifs, ands, or buts. If Focus on the Family had said something like:

 

He had an affair and repented. She found the strength to forgive–and the humility to rebuild the marriage.

I’d be fine with that. But the way that Focus worded that status, the thing that mattered was not his repentance but her acknowledging her role. That’s toxic thinking. Here’s why:

A cheater is solely responsible for the infidelity

 

but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.

James 1:14

Cheating is a sin that one person does. Nobody else causes it. We are solely responsible for our own sin. The Bible lays the blame for lust and adultery at the cheater’s feet:

You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to depart into hell.

Matthew 5:27-30

Even if a spouse is acting badly, there are other choices than infidelity.

Jen Grice, one of the people interacting about this on Twitter, put it this way:

I agree. I hear that excuse all the time - “well she wasn’t a good wife!”... but you still cheated instead of setting boundaries, seeking counseling and then divorcing your “not good wife.” Totally makes sense!