Choices - Chapter 6
Here I was back in the bathroom, crying like a teenage girl dealing with overactive hormones. Once again, I was fortunate to be alone. If anyone had witnessed my breakdown, I’m sure they would have dialed 9-1-1 and told them there was a crazy old man in the bathroom who looked like he was about to die. At this point, death seemed like a better alternative over what I was experiencing.
This night seemed to be turning into a cruel nightmare where I was being forced to re-evaluate all of the choices in life. Is this what it would be like when I did die and was standing at the pearly gates waiting for the verdict on my life? Just going through the test was pure hell. The verdict seemed like a forgone conclusion.
I decided I had to get out of this nightclub. When I exited the bathroom, I frantically looked for the exit. It was easy enough to find, but once again, there was Judy Prescott standing there smiling and greeting the guests entering the club.
She saw me this time, I’m sure of it, because her smile disappeared when we locked eyes. She started walking toward me. I briefly thought about manning up and facing her, but the fear won out and I turned and looked for another way out.
When I got to the back of the club, I saw the door to the next club being guarded by the bouncer who, I swear, was the same bouncer that I’d encountered twice already tonight. Logically, I knew it couldn’t be him. The same man couldn’t be guarding every exit in this juke joint, but things didn’t seem to following any kind of logic on this particular night.
He held up his hand to stop my progress and I knew there was no way I could push my way by him with his barrel chest and massive biceps. His posture softened when he saw the panic in my eyes.
“Are you okay, sir?”
“No, no I’m not.”
Rather than preventing me from passing, he reached down, turned the handle, and held the door open for me.
I suddenly found myself in what I assumed was the “Folk” club. This was also a huge club, but seemed to be set up in a much more intimate fashion. Wooden tables and chairs filled the middle of the room, with four small stages in each of the corners. A man who looked like a young version of Paul Simon was on the closest stage and he seemed to acknowledge my arrival as he started into his song, “Still Crazy After All These Years”.
I ducked my head and found a table on the far side of the room that was as far away from any other people as possible and plopped down in one of the chairs. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the world and what was happening to me. It seemed to work as I could feel my breathing and heart rate return to more normal levels.
Suddenly, I could feel the presence of someone. I was expecting it to be one of the waitresses who had come over to take my drink order. I slowly opened my eyes.
Standing in front of me with her hands on her hips stood Judy Prescott. “I think you owe me an apology.”
“I’m sorry I avoided you, Judy. I did see you in the other club, but I just had to get out of there.”
She folded her arms across her chest. “That’s not what I meant and you know it!”
She was right. I did owe her an apology, but not for my most recent slight. It was actually for something that had happened almost fifty years earlier, or more accurately, what hadn’t happened.
We’d dated exclusively for the last two years of university and everyone assumed we’d be getting married within a few years. Judy had planned to take a few months holiday after graduation and travel through Europe. Her family had money and she could easily afford it. Me, not so much, so I had to find a job.
But then I got a lucky break when the company I had worked for on one of my university work terms made me a very generous offer. They wanted to send me to Switzerland for three months to work on a software project for an international bank and then move me to London, England to manage other similar projects in Europe thereafter.
It was a dream assignment and it fit perfectly within our plans. Judy would be able to travel throughout Europe and see me on weekends, or more, if possible. I’d be working at a great job and getting well paid to do so, enough that I could start paying off my huge student debt. After that, we’d both move to London and begin our lives together.
We booked our flights and planned to meet at the airport with all of our stuff to begin our life together. Except I didn’t show.
I hung my head. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it anymore. I need an explanation.”
She was right. I owed her at least that much. Except I’m not sure I understood it myself.
I pulled out a chair and invited Judy to sit down.
“I got scared,” I said.
“Scared of me?”
“No, not of you, exactly.” But that wasn’t entirely accurate. “Maybe a little bit.”
“What were you afraid of?”
I averted her eyes. “Everything.”
“But wasn’t it all everything you wanted? The job, the travel…..me?”
“Yes, I thought so, but it all seemed to be happening so fast.”
She still looked pissed, but she unfolded her arms. “But it could have been so good.”
I could see she still felt the pain I’d inflicted, even after all these years. I tried to explain. “I know it probably would have, but I don’t have your confidence. You’re a risk taker, you always have been. Look at this monstrous new club you’ve just opened. It’s going to be a success because you’re confident it will be. But me, I’m a worrier. Back then, I started thinking about what would happen if I didn’t like the job, or didn’t like living in Europe. I didn’t want to risk letting people down. I love Canada and I’d always assumed that’s where I’d be spending my whole life. Suddenly, I felt like I was being uprooted.”
“So it was the move and the job that scared you off?”
She locked in on my eyes, but I had to look away. “Not entirely. I was a little afraid of us as well.”
“So when did you reach this epiphany?”
“The night before we were supposed to leave. My boss called me to wish me bon voyage and that’s when I told him I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.”
“I bet he was pissed.”
“Not really. He said he had no shortage of candidates who would jump at the opportunity. He said if I didn’t want to take the position in Switzerland, I could work in the Ottawa office or head out to help start a new branch in Saskatchewan.”
Judy raised an eyebrow. “Who in their right mind would choose Saskatchewan over Switzerland?”
That’s when I realized I was still crazy, even after all these years. “I would.”
This night seemed to be turning into a cruel nightmare where I was being forced to re-evaluate all of the choices in life. Is this what it would be like when I did die and was standing at the pearly gates waiting for the verdict on my life? Just going through the test was pure hell. The verdict seemed like a forgone conclusion.
I decided I had to get out of this nightclub. When I exited the bathroom, I frantically looked for the exit. It was easy enough to find, but once again, there was Judy Prescott standing there smiling and greeting the guests entering the club.
She saw me this time, I’m sure of it, because her smile disappeared when we locked eyes. She started walking toward me. I briefly thought about manning up and facing her, but the fear won out and I turned and looked for another way out.
When I got to the back of the club, I saw the door to the next club being guarded by the bouncer who, I swear, was the same bouncer that I’d encountered twice already tonight. Logically, I knew it couldn’t be him. The same man couldn’t be guarding every exit in this juke joint, but things didn’t seem to following any kind of logic on this particular night.
He held up his hand to stop my progress and I knew there was no way I could push my way by him with his barrel chest and massive biceps. His posture softened when he saw the panic in my eyes.
“Are you okay, sir?”
“No, no I’m not.”
Rather than preventing me from passing, he reached down, turned the handle, and held the door open for me.
I suddenly found myself in what I assumed was the “Folk” club. This was also a huge club, but seemed to be set up in a much more intimate fashion. Wooden tables and chairs filled the middle of the room, with four small stages in each of the corners. A man who looked like a young version of Paul Simon was on the closest stage and he seemed to acknowledge my arrival as he started into his song, “Still Crazy After All These Years”.
I ducked my head and found a table on the far side of the room that was as far away from any other people as possible and plopped down in one of the chairs. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the world and what was happening to me. It seemed to work as I could feel my breathing and heart rate return to more normal levels.
Suddenly, I could feel the presence of someone. I was expecting it to be one of the waitresses who had come over to take my drink order. I slowly opened my eyes.
Standing in front of me with her hands on her hips stood Judy Prescott. “I think you owe me an apology.”
“I’m sorry I avoided you, Judy. I did see you in the other club, but I just had to get out of there.”
She folded her arms across her chest. “That’s not what I meant and you know it!”
She was right. I did owe her an apology, but not for my most recent slight. It was actually for something that had happened almost fifty years earlier, or more accurately, what hadn’t happened.
We’d dated exclusively for the last two years of university and everyone assumed we’d be getting married within a few years. Judy had planned to take a few months holiday after graduation and travel through Europe. Her family had money and she could easily afford it. Me, not so much, so I had to find a job.
But then I got a lucky break when the company I had worked for on one of my university work terms made me a very generous offer. They wanted to send me to Switzerland for three months to work on a software project for an international bank and then move me to London, England to manage other similar projects in Europe thereafter.
It was a dream assignment and it fit perfectly within our plans. Judy would be able to travel throughout Europe and see me on weekends, or more, if possible. I’d be working at a great job and getting well paid to do so, enough that I could start paying off my huge student debt. After that, we’d both move to London and begin our lives together.
We booked our flights and planned to meet at the airport with all of our stuff to begin our life together. Except I didn’t show.
I hung my head. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it anymore. I need an explanation.”
She was right. I owed her at least that much. Except I’m not sure I understood it myself.
I pulled out a chair and invited Judy to sit down.
“I got scared,” I said.
“Scared of me?”
“No, not of you, exactly.” But that wasn’t entirely accurate. “Maybe a little bit.”
“What were you afraid of?”
I averted her eyes. “Everything.”
“But wasn’t it all everything you wanted? The job, the travel…..me?”
“Yes, I thought so, but it all seemed to be happening so fast.”
She still looked pissed, but she unfolded her arms. “But it could have been so good.”
I could see she still felt the pain I’d inflicted, even after all these years. I tried to explain. “I know it probably would have, but I don’t have your confidence. You’re a risk taker, you always have been. Look at this monstrous new club you’ve just opened. It’s going to be a success because you’re confident it will be. But me, I’m a worrier. Back then, I started thinking about what would happen if I didn’t like the job, or didn’t like living in Europe. I didn’t want to risk letting people down. I love Canada and I’d always assumed that’s where I’d be spending my whole life. Suddenly, I felt like I was being uprooted.”
“So it was the move and the job that scared you off?”
She locked in on my eyes, but I had to look away. “Not entirely. I was a little afraid of us as well.”
“So when did you reach this epiphany?”
“The night before we were supposed to leave. My boss called me to wish me bon voyage and that’s when I told him I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.”
“I bet he was pissed.”
“Not really. He said he had no shortage of candidates who would jump at the opportunity. He said if I didn’t want to take the position in Switzerland, I could work in the Ottawa office or head out to help start a new branch in Saskatchewan.”
Judy raised an eyebrow. “Who in their right mind would choose Saskatchewan over Switzerland?”
That’s when I realized I was still crazy, even after all these years. “I would.”
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