Cycle of abuse

You walk away. I slam the door shut and use my body weight to keep it shut so that I can keep you from seeing that you actually hurt me. It would give you satisfaction.

You never apologized. You never owned up to the number you did on me. We had the same fight again and again …. back and forth, same issues. It’s like a stupid dance. We have become pros at getting on each other’s nerves on petty issues.

I lean against the door hoping someone cared enough to come and check on me. No one cares enough.

Now the venue of the fight changes. It goes internal. I learn to hate myself. Something is wrong with me, I say. My mother hated me. He hates me. I have nothing, no one. The self hatred leads to me wishing I had never been born. No one will believe me. Mother is a good woman and he is charming. …

The cycle of abuse … public faces are blemish free

Years later everything has changed and nothing has changed

The little girl still longs for unconditional love

The young woman still wants the respect of her partner

But the older woman soldiers on, bolstered by people cheering her on. She made friends, some good some bad. She learned lessons, and, most importantly, she kept going.

Onwards and upwards she tells herself in the words of Buzz Lightyear

Onward and upward