Single – Party of ?
Yes, I am single. Lately it seems like my relationship status has been in many of my conversations with various people. Sometimes I walk away wondering, am I really that strange? Because that person is talking to me like something is wrong with me. I don’t believe I am, but maybe I am blinded to my own oddity. It seems like many married people talk to me sympathetically or maybe that is how it sounds to me because they are really confused why I am single and if they were in my shoes and still single at my age, they may feel a twinge of sadness so sympathetic words is all they know to say because that is what they would be telling themselves if God forbid they were still single. I could be wrong, but that’s how it feels sometimes. Many times people have come up to me and asked, “Are you happy, Eric? Because I know a girl who would be perfect for you.” How many single people walk up to married people and ask, “Are you happy? Because I know a divorce attorney. Because I feel being single is better than being married.” A few times I have wanted to ask the questioner if they were happy being married. But I didn’t. To be honest I was afraid of the answer I would get. A sincere yes or a fake yes.
I have heard many times over the years from married people that they could never go to a restaurant or the movies by themselves. When you are single and you want to eat or watch a movie, sometimes going alone is the only option. I have to admit that I used to feel strange by going to places by myself, but as time went on I didn’t feel the same strangeness. I am comfortable with sitting alone in church or catching a matinee on a Sunday alone or even taking a two week trip to Italy by myself. “I could never do that,” so many people would say.
But why not? Heaven forbid if your spouse tragically dies tonight. Yes, there will be gaping hole of grieving, but would your world stop? Are you bound to your relationship status so much that you believe that is your identity? A wife of so and so or a husband of so and so. I’m not trying to belittle marriages, but so often I see two fragmented people thinking that marriage will make them whole. Well, two fragmented people still make one fragmented marriage. We all have weaknesses and strengths and that is not what I mean by saying fragmented. When I say fragmented, I mean, when someone doesn’t feel complete with themselves. So often I see people jumping from relationship to relationship because they are trying to fill a void that they believe someone else can fill. Sadly, someone cannot fill your void. They can bring community, friendship, intimacy and love to the table, but they cannot fill a void that the other person has. It may feel like their love is filling that emptiness, but one person shouldn’t rely on someone else to fill a chasm. If they do, that is just selfishness. Relationships are give and take and if one party is constantly giving to fill that pit of someone else they may eventually have a pit from all their giving. Then once again, two fragmented people are in a fragmented marriage.
I have been told many, many times. “Oh, Eric you would be a great husband and father.” And my thought is, “Shouldn’t every married man be a great husband? And shouldn’t every male who gives life be a great father?” Sadly, that is not the case. Some men are deadbeats, abusers, neglecters, workaholics, ego-maniacs that only care about themselves. I am sorry that I have to share the same gender as these men because every wife deserves a loving husband and every mother deserves a protective co-parenting father. I do feel that I would be an awesome husband and father, but that isn’t a title that I have been given. But I do feel called to be a faithful friend, a loving family member, a devoted mentor, a respected coworker and a constant shoulder to be there for anyone in my circle no matter time or place.
Once again, please hear me out. I am not bashing marriages. I respect and honor the cherished institution that the vast majority of the population adhere to. I just currently don’t feel the need to wear the members only jacket of this club. Who knows, I may next year. All I ask is for married people to treat single people like normal people. We are people just like everyone else. I know many married people who treat me like a normal person – thank you. But then I also know many people who treat me differently and those are the people that I pity. You may pity me because I am not like you, but I like myself. Can you say the same about yourself?
I don’t even know what I am expecting out of this blog post. It was not intended to upset anyone or an airing of my grievances. It’s just something that people seem to talk to me about. I just hope, single or married, whatever status you have that you search within yourself and find if you have a void. You may be married and voidless – that is okay. You may be married and have a void – that is okay. You may be single and voidless – that is okay. You may be single and have a void – that is okay.
C.S. Lewis wrote “We live with a God shaped hole in our hearts.” Blaise Pascal wrote “What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words by God himself.” Finally St. Augustine wrote, “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.”
If you have a void, fill it with God. He’s the only one who can fill that void. Single or married, we are a like. Whether it be a dinner and a party of one (how sad you may think – ha), or with family and a party of four, or with friends on Thursday night and a party of six. We all need community. We all need one another. We all need God. What we don’t need is sideways judgement glances because we don’t understand the other person. Just because someone is married doesn’t mean that they have it all figured out and have a perfect life. The opposite can be said for a single person. Just because someone is single, doesn’t mean that they are lost or lonely or strange or unlovable or aloof or different or weird or a hermit or someone in need of someone else to complete them. There may be some strange single people out there, but I have met many strange married people too. Incredibly strange married people.
Glad I’m not married to them.
