Self Compassion and Acceptance

 

Bene Brown's work on shame is consistent with DBT's approach on treating shame.  Brown advises us to live authentically and accept our humanness, our imperfections.  She suggests that we live outloud, without fear of not being good enough and acknowledges that most everyone feels like an outcast at times, feels not good enough. Not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not cool enough, not whatever enough.  Those are normal human feelings and we all have them.  Opening ourselves to vulnerability and sharing our stories of not being good enough, our failures, our mistakes and our hurts is a path to connecting with others and feeling the belonging that we want.  Her work on shame is similar to Linehan's treatment of shame. Linehan says to overcome unjustified shame we must hold our heads high and not keep our shame secret.  We must say who we are proudly and with understanding that all humans struggle and make mistakes. In that way we can stop hiding and excluding ourselves from close relationships and blocking love and caring offered by others.

Unjustified shame is different from justified shame.  Justified shame means you will truly be excluded from a very important group, one that is critical in your life, if you reveal what you have experienced.  This would be like being excommunicated from a church that is important to you or expelled from a school where you are getting your degree.  In those circumstances, the shame serves to help you make different decisions in the future, to keep the values of the groups that are important to you.  Forgiving yourself and moving forward with compassion for yourself is the best path.

I Thought It Was Just Me is one of the best books about shame and vulnerability that I have read. Thanks, Dr. Brown.