Slightly Muddled Tarot

I don’t intend to write these posts when I’m tranquilized, but hey, Wednesday is a good day for travel and writing, so here we are. Plus, Klonopin gets me just as altered without the calories of booze, so yay!

The Five of Wands

The Labyrinthos definition for the Five starts “The Five of Wands depicts five men all holding their own wands and brandishing them up in the air,” which is a movie I think I’ve seen a few times.

I mean, the actual meaning is dark luck in matters of fire, generally, and specifically it’s conflict and confrontation, but I will note that none of these specifically include naked oil wrestling, and indeed that naked oil wrestling and/or measuring contests are both a source of, and a way of resolving, a whole bunch of conflict. If we could get around to doing that literally rather than metaphorically with lethal weapons, as a society, that’d be great, plus we’d get to see more naked oil wrestling.

Dick jokes briefly aside, this is the most positive five. Nobody’s Hans Christen Andersening through the snow like on the Pentacles, nobody’s turning and walking off while someone else steals their weapons, like in Swords, and nobody’s even brooding over spilled wine, like Cups. Nothing’s actually been resolved in the Five of Wands, which means there’s time and room for the conflict to settle down so that everyone is basically okay and retains all their stuff.

In other words, there’s still time for this to involve nakedness and Jello, or whatever the metaphysical equivalent is. It might not happen–some conflicts are for serious big deals–but it still could.

The Six of Wands

HUZZAH.

I mean, basically. There’s a person on a horse, carrying a wand with a celebratory wreath on it, riding though a crowd of other people who are waving wands in the air. Everyone looks pretty damn thrilled about the whole situation, except for the horse, because horses don’t really do “thrilled” in my experience. Their expressions range from “FUCK THE ENTIRETY OF EVERYTHING” to “what the hell is this now”.  The Six of Wands horse–which is generally white–is on the amiable side of dubious in most cards, though.

I say again: HUZZAH.

That’s pretty much the meaning of this card in most readings. It’s all about good news and triumph and getting shit done and having young people throw whatever variety of underwear they prefer onto the stage for you. Mnemonically, it’s a quest for things of fire, which is sort of the same deal but tends to imply more that the recognition and reward and product endorsement contracts and SHOWING EVERYONE WHO LAUGHED AT YOU IN SCHOOL TAKE THAT DWAYNE I’M A FUCKING ROCK STAR AND YOU’RE SELLING TOYOTAS are a thing you’re working toward, rather than one you have right now. Because it’s a six, though, it’s a quest that you can definitely accomplish if you put your mind to it, even if you haven’t completed it.

You’ll show Dwayne someday, is what I’m saying. Fuck that guy.