The Human Centipede 2 (UFSI Sequence) by Tao Lin: A Novel
Every Sunday, a new chapter of The Human Centipede 2 (UFSI Sequence) by Tao Lin: A Novel will be posted on a different blog/website until the entire novel is online. If you would like to publish a chapter on your website and/or acquire the movie/television rights to the novel, send an email to cameroncpierce@gmail.com.
CHAPTER ONE
Martin watches The Human Centipede (First Sequence) on his computer then drives to the parking garage.
He sits in a tiny booth and stares at the security monitor. The screen is split four ways. A twenty-something couple walks into the upper right square. They appear to be arguing or something.
Martin picks up his tire iron and goes down to the garage.
He stands behind a concrete pillar so the boy and the girl cannot see him.
"We are so fucked," the boy says to the girl.
"Are we fucked," the girl says.
"We are so existentially fucked."
"We'll get the spare key and come back tomorrow," the girl says.
The boy pulls out his iPhone. He takes a picture of himself.
"What are you doing?" the girl says.
"I am taking a picture of myself and posting the picture on Tumblr so people remember what I looked like before my father mutilated me. This car is his life."
"Isn't that a line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off," the girl says.
"Maybe my book sales will go up after my father mutilates me. I will be a national tragedy."
Martin emerges from behind the pillar.
The girl looks at Martin with a confused facial expression.
Martin hits her in the head with the tire iron. She falls to the ground.
The boy's facial expression alternates between fear, anger, and sadness. He looks like the singer of Death Cab for Cutie.
Martin pulls the gun out from the waistband of his sweatpants and shoots the boy in the foot.
"You fucking asshole," the boy says.
Martin stares at the bleeding foot of the boy as if it is a Gchat message from someone he doesn't like. Martin doesn't like a lot of people. That is why he wants to build a human centipede.
He tapes the hands, feet, and mouth of the boy and girl and puts them in the back of his rapist van. He drives to a desolate part of town and parks in front of a warehouse.
Martin gets out of the van. A man who looks like Stza from Leftover Crack smokes a cigarette in front of the warehouse. The man flicks his cigarette butt and says, "Ey, let's make this quick."
Inside the warehouse, Martin gets emotional. He feels a vague surge of something like hope. He is depressed, lonely, and obese, but there is hope.
"Let's get the fuckin' lease signed," says the man who looks like Stza from Leftover Crack.
Martin imagines his twelve-person centipede crawling across the warehouse floor. He grins at the image of his grand achievement.
"Are you a goddamn retard? Let's sign the lease," the landlord says.
Martin does not like being called a retard. He shoots the landlord in the kneecap, feeling six percent closer to success.
He leaves the boy and the girl and the landlord bound and gagged on the floor of the warehouse. Now if only he can murder nine more people.
He goes home.
After feeding his pet centipede, he sits on the edge of the bed in his underwear and stares down at his bulbous gut. There's a lonely planet inside of me, he thinks.
He considers driving to the hardware store, getting a chainsaw, and ending it all right there in the store. Just ending it.
His mom shuffles into his room. "The doctor is here to see you," she says. She stares at Martin's computer with disdain and a high level of unease. Martin's mom believes computers are satanic. Martin stares at her until she goes away.
In the living room, Martin sits mostly naked on the couch beside the Jewish doctor, who looks like a decrepit, bearded John Lennon.
Every man looks like a famous musician to Martin. It's because his father molested him.
"Here are your pills," the doctor says, handing a bag to Martin.
"He's doing worse," his mother says.
She stands on the opposite side of the room, near the tank holding Martin's centipede. "He won't shut up about a twelve-person centipede."
"A centipede, yes," the doctor says, rubbing Martin's naked thigh in a sexual manner. "Centipedes can be a phallic symbol. Martin is expressing grief about what his father did to him."
"Because of you, my husband is in prison!" Martin's mother shouts.
"Some victims of sexual abuse mutilate their genitals" the doctor says. He works his hand further up Martin's thigh.
The doctor leaves. Martin and his mom eat dinner.
Bad techno plays loudly in the upstairs apartment.
Martin's mom stands on a chair and bangs on the ceiling with a broom.
A few minutes later, there is a knock on the front door.
His mom leaves the kitchen and returns with the upstairs neighbor, a buff tattooed skinhead. He looks like Moby, except he is buff and tattooed.
"He's the one," his mother says. "He hates your music."
"You got a problem with my music?" the skinhead says.
Martin continues eating his pork and beans. He does not have a problem with this man's music. He has a problem with humanity.
The skinhead throws the flimsy kitchen table aside. He punches Martin in the face.
"Do something! Be a man like your father!" his mother says.
Martin falls out of his chair. The skinhead kicks him repeatedly. "Don't ever bang on that ceiling again. You hear me, you fat fuck?"
When the skinhead leaves, Martin's mom says, "I'm going to kill us both."
Martin goes to his room. He thinks about dying while watching The Human Centipede (First Sequence) on repeat until he falls asleep.
The next day, Martin goes to work.
He calls the agent of Ashlynn Yennie, star of The Human Centipede (First Sequence). The phone rings twice then goes to voicemail. "This is Quentin Tarantino. I want Ashlynn Yennie to star in my new movie. Can we arrange an audition this week?" Martin says. "Okay, have a nice day now. Bye-bye."
It is the first time Martin has spoken in months. He feels a little bit better, but not by much.
