Random Sunday: How I Spent My Illness

I'm better. I can smell things again. I can taste. I'm not blowing my nose every fifteen minutes and thinking about killing myself just so I won't have to hold a Kleenex for the rest of my life. But man, am I behind in everything. EVERYTHING. You do not want to see my sink (my dishwasher is broken) or my laundry room (you can't do laundry while holding a Kleenex in one hand) so that has to be addressed soon, especially since I can smell things now. So here are some of the things I learned while I couldn't get out of bed because that's where the Kleenex was:

I found this:

"The average man does not get pleasure out of an idea because he thinks it is true; he thinks it is true because he gets pleasure out of it. " — H.L. Mencken

And then I wondered if that didn't explain a lot about politics. Both sides.

A "push gift" is what a woman gets for giving birth. Apparently Victoria Beckham got a solid gold iPhone. I'd yell at my ex-husband about this, but our daughter is in her late thirties, and he's been married to another woman for thirty years, so I think that ship has sailed. Also, who wants a solid gold iPhone? But I did deserve a push gift (twenty-four hours of labor followed by a C-section in a military hospital) so I'm thinking it's never too late to gift yourself. Now to decide on what would be appropriate. Possibly ridiculously over-priced appliances for a cottage in NJ. Possibly not, since I'll be the one paying for them. Decisions.

Gawker says that college applications now ask things like "What's your favorite movie?" and "If you had to wear a costume for a year, what would it be?" Big Trouble in Little China was an easy one, but the costume took awhile. Then I decided "Catholic Schoolgirl" just to screw with people's heads since I'm 62. "I got held back a lot." They must be good answers: I have a BS, an MA, an MFA, and I'm ABD on the PhD. Although maybe if my answers had been better, I wouldn't be ABD. Should have gone with the Wonder Woman costume.

Rick Perry made a homophobic video ad, and that ad now has the highest number of dislikes in YouTube history, including mine. I'm trying to figure out if this is an application of the Mencken Rule, that Perry likes the idea of fighting against the godless who want to keep children from praying in school (you can pray in school, you just can't pray loudly and scare the horses), seeing himself ride into town to THINK OF THE CHILDREN and save the day, or if he's just a homophobic twit who won't ever be ready for primetime. Or both. Because whatever your feelings on the issue are, this is a bad, bad political move. OTOH, he's getting a lot of YouTube views. Name recognition!

You know how some ads are so persuasive that you think, "I must have that," and you buy it, and then twenty-four hours later you realize it's terrible and hate yourself for being roofied by Madison Avenue? I've just had the opposite experience. There's a prescription nasal spray TV ad I loathe–"Omnaris, TO THE NOSE"–but it turns out the stuff is really good (please note: I have both hands on the keyboard, no Kleenex). Just don't make me watch that terrible, terrible commercial. I almost refused the med when the doc gave it to me because I think bad advertising should be punished, but I only had one hand free, so I was weak and gave in.

I love Elvis's "Such a Night." It's on the Lavender soundtrack and it's exactly what I want Liz's romance to be, enthusiastic and unforgettable with great rhythm. Which pretty much sums up all great romances, I think.

I had my yearly mammogram last week. The girls are in perfect health, thank god, but it's always a bit of a worry. Because of more information than you want to know, they read the films right away, and then I talk to my gynecologist, whom I see once a year for five minutes, and who couldn't pick me out of a line-up, even if it was all breasts, which is good since I do not want to be memorable after any test. But there's always that moment of doubt when I'm waiting in the examining room in a cheap pink shirt with two completely inadequate ties at the chest, thinking Is this my year? The mammogram is the one appointment I don't try to avoid because, honey, it takes five minutes tops and it can save your life. Yes, there's the squish factor, but as I said, five minutes vs. your life. Also, I'm very fond of the girls. We've had some good times together, and you should take care of your friends.

Speaking of films, they don't use films any more and haven't for a long time, it's all done by computer. So why do doctor shows always have people reading films? As my tech said, "Some hospitals still do that, but I wouldn't want to be treated there." Except for vets. Vets still use film because of the cost, as I learned when Lyle broke his wrist.

Speaking of Lyle, he's still doing pretty good. His numbers went up again, but he's still going strong. He's curled up beside me, under the blanket, living the Perfect Dog Life with the four members of his pack. Fingers crossed we can keep this going because he really is the sweetest dog.

I did manage to catch up with some new TV while I was blowing my nose. Well, new to me. I just discovered The Big Bang Theory which is in its fifth year, I think. I'd watch that for Mayim Bialik alone: her Amy Farrah Fowler is not only a perfect match for Jim Parson's Sheldon, she's a master at deadpan humor. Also, I love the theme song. Favorite line: "We built a wall." This is not one of Alastair's and Lani's faves; they prefer Community, which I have tried to like but cannot get into. I think it's because they're basically intellectuals who really groove on post-modernism, and I'm a low rent kind of gal who snorts Diet Coke out her nose when somebody shoots meatloaf into the ceiling. Not that that ever happened.

I do like one new show, Grimm, but that's mainly because of Silas Weir Mitchell's Monroe, the werewolf. At the moment, everybody in Grimm except Monroe is way too Mary Sue (well, Monroe and Aunt Marie, who owned an Airstream that was a supernatural library and kicked ass right to the end), but I'm hoping the rest of the cast either gets grittier or gets offed by a fairy tale character, especially the vet girlfriend whose job is to be supportive, perky, understanding, and thin; if she's still on by episode six, I'll be rethinking my viewing. David Greenwalt from Buffy/Angel fame is producing and he does dark snark very well so there's hope I'll see her stuck to the ceiling Supernatural-style yet.

A new show I'm not understanding is Once Upon A Time. Trying to avoid spoilers here, but I don't get the Evil Queen's Curse (that's no spoiler, the Evil Queen always curses somebody). I don't understand how it benefits her. I don't understand why the baby aged twenty-eight years and everybody else is still the same age they were in the beginning. I don't understand why everybody else hasn't noticed that they're not aging. But I've only seen the pilot. Maybe it gets better. I'm good with unanswered questions after a pilot episode, but not confusion as to what the hell is going on after the pilot thinks it's explained everything. Twin Peaks' kind of questions are good. This one, not so much.

You know what show started off good and keeps getting better? White Collar. I rewatched some of the old episodes and boy do they hold up. Then I reread Bet Me, trying to jump start my writing and realized that if Matt Bomer were a little bulkier, he'd be Cal.

I don't know who thought that changing Cee Lo's song to "Forget You" would be pretty much the same as the original, but it's not. I love that song. Some days, it's all I sing. But I do not sing, "Forget You."

My current obsession is paper punches. You know, those things in scrapbook stores that will punch shapes out of paper? There's one I want that's frog-shaped. The only place I can find it is the Frog Store. Yes, there's a Frog Store. You can find anything on the internet. Because it has a lot of tubes. This one is good, too. I WANT a frog punch. Maybe two. Why? Don't question genius, people, it has its own needs.

In other shopping discoveries, I may have found the perfect gift for Alastair. Krissie got him Superman shorts for his birthday (I was going to get him The Flash shorts, but that seemed mean) and I've been trying to match up to her brilliance ever since. I think this is it, But then I picture a six-foot-four bald Scotsman in it and my courage falters. I have to live with this guy. Although I could get Lani this. Hmmmmm.

Speaking of Alasltair, he dragged all the Christmas stuff out of the attic for me, and I went through it. Why I have six big boxes of Christmas stuff is beyond me (not to mention seven Christmas trees), so I went through and culled. Twenty-four hours have passed, so I'm going to cull again. I'm moving to a very small cottage by next Christmas; there's a limit to how much holly I'm going to haul across state lines. One thing I'm keeping: the little Christmas tree Mollie and I bought together one year after we decided we weren't going to bother with a tree. We were being very cool about it (she was a teen at the time) and then we saw this little tree in a gift shop, stuck in a heavy Mexican ceramic vase, and we both caved. It's a cheap little tree, but I love it the way Charlie Brown loved his tree. That tree's goin' to NJ.

Speaking of NJ, the cottage was painted while I was sick. Remember how ugly the back was? It's now this gorgeous buttercream color, and it's getting a blue roof next week. So pretty. Now all it needs is plumbing, electricity, heat, a septic system and walls (it's gutted, remember?). One thing at a time. Or as my bank account says, "Not now." I would show you the window to Krissie's Room (every house I have has a "Krissie's Room") because it has charm out the wazoo, but I'm not allowed to post pictures of the front.

Speaking of Krissie (not to mention Charm Out the Wazoo), she and Lani and I are doing a series of chats on different aspect of writing, to be brought to you in January because they have books coming out and I have a e-book collection of short stories and they all need to be promoted, but I don't like exploiting the Argh People, so we're talking about writing instead and just using the books as examples. Subtle, huh? Yeah, I didn't think so, but the chats are pretty good. Writing rom com, writing the supernatural, great heroes, good stuff. Really. Stay tuned.

There was more, but I wrote it down on something and lost it, and I have to go hit the nose drops now (TO THE NOSE), so I'll just say that it is a HUGE relief not to be so damn sick any more. I'm still wheezing and coughing, but I am much, much better and can now get back to work. Which is good because there are big things coming up in January including the PopD Mystery Series and a revamp of Cherry Forums and, please God, at least two books finished in 2012, plus a move to the Garden State. Nothing but good times ahead.

After I blow my nose.