3: Rejected

No, this post isn't about writing.

This morning, while looking for a topic for today's post, I traipsed over the one I wrote on Rejecting the Premise:

I've failed to reject the premise of that mindset, that I always have to give more, that I always have to be stronger, that I always have to succeed at everything, or I haven't earned what I have… But finally, tonight, I saw it. I saw that my problems, my failures, stemmed not from my actions, but from my belief system. And even though I've hacked away a little at that belief system here, I haven't truly changed it in my head. The things I say to myself every day are worse than anything anyone has ever said to me in my life, and when there's even the slightest hint – real or imaginary – of a similar judgment coming from anyone else, I jump on it as some kind of confirmation that deep down inside, I'm right about my lack of value.

It's just crazy how much I've forgotten about what it was like to be me, even just a year ago. Wow.

This idea of rejecting the premise, of taking a good hard look at what you say to yourself and really deciding not to allow anyone to talk to you that way, least of all yourself, is really important, and yet it's one of the ideas I haven't revisited a whole lot. There is the Magaera thing, and this is related, except it's about more than just Magaera, it's about what you really believe. If you really believe something, you will find the evidence to support it, which just firms it up in your head. It has absolutely no relationship with fact or truth, which is why it's problematic.

When I was in college, I did a documentary on pyschic phenomena, and ended up interviewing my mother for a segment because she'd spent a lot of time exploring New Agey spiritual stuff like channeling, past lives and the Tarot. There was something she said back then that always stuck with me, and which I still remember often to this day. "It's like the bible says, seek and ye shall find. If you're looking for a particular answer, you'll find it, whether it's true or not."

This is obviously true; we see it all the time. Huge political divides, with everyone sure they are right, because the evidence they choose to consider is the evidence that supports their viewpoint. Fundamentalist Christians who believe the earth is 6000 years old, or that the rapture is going to happen at sunset. Atheists who believe that if they can't see it, poke it, test it and prove it, it doesn't exist.

And then there are the people like me. The ones who, at some very young age, were made to understand that they were somehow less than everyone else, that they had to do more, be better, just to be almost as acceptable, forget lovable. I started being funny because I believed the only reason anyone would ever want to be my friend was because I amused them; I had to play the court jester to earn my place. I never believed this of anyone else, just myself, and I never questioned it because that belief had been ingrained at such a young age.

Then, last year, I saw it clearly for the first time, and I finally rejected that premise. First, intellectually, but then emotionally, and at some point during the last year when I was distracted by drama and kids and books and my lovely Scotsman, it just went away.

So today, look at your beliefs. Question them. Reject any premises which hold you to a different standard from what you hold everyone else to. Reject any premises that tell you you're unworthy, not good enough, too old, too fat, too stubborn, too set in your ways. Reject any premises that sound like someone else – your dad, your mom, your ex – saying horrible things to you because keeping you in line means life is easier for them.

Betties, you are fabulous, you deserve every great thing the world has to offer, and you don't have to be twice as good just to be half as acceptable. You are lovable, just as you are, and there is nothing wrong with you. Embrace that premise, and reject the rest.

Trust me. It'll be among the best things you'll ever do.