The Devil's Due

Ibliss ascends to heaven's glade,
And hosts of angels glare,
He saunters past a flaming blade,
Ignites a cig with care.

"Despoiler! Wretch! Return to hell!"
Says Gabe and blocks his path.
"Your steps besmirch this hallowed dell,
So leave or face His wrath!"

"Go blow your horn, you utter prick."
The Devil smokes and sneers.
"Remove those swords or else I'll stick
Them sideways up your rears."

"I'm here to speak with Him you heed,
The Wanker knows what for,
Omniscience means He doesn't need
You twats to guard His door."

The angel huffs but steps aside,
Ignores his minions' mirth,
Beneath his breath he tries to hide
The swears he learned on Earth.

"Allah!" the Devil says to God,
"I've come to claim my prize!
Be good about it, not a Sod
Who cheats the Prince of Lies."

"We fought because You made mankind,
Told djinn to kneel for Thee,
But gazing down to Earth You'll find
You fucked up hard, not we."

"Hijabs, niqabs, and children wed,
Gay lovers bashed and slain;
A billion hail a warlord dead,
Whose sermons rot the brain."

"One screams Your name and detonates
The bomb upon his vest,
So broken steel eviscerates
And terror quells the rest."

Allah intones a fearful curse,
The Devil gives a grin,
Then, grumbling, God reveals His purse
And Satan takes the win.

---------

According to Islamic mythology, when God created man he ordered all his other creations to prostrate themselves before his latest work. The angels did so without question. But Satan, a djinn, was less than impressed. He demanded to know why he should bow down to a vastly inferior creature -- one cobbled together from dirt (by contrast, he himself had been fashioned from fire).

This angered God, who was as sensitive about his new creation as any author who's ever received a 1-star review and proceeded to flip out over it. Thus he kicked Satan out of heaven.

If there's somewhere in the multiverse where that myth happens to be true, I trust Satan has a big smirk on his face. And I hope God pays up.