it's your turn of phrase that gives you away

What to do after a comedy fringe festival show?

Out to a nearby pub for a drink, of course!

At which pub, you venture up the narrow and rickety stairs, although those who've been here before swear said stairs lead only to the toilets — and at the top there are toilets, but there is also a series of hidden rooms, so thick with smoke your contacts seize your eyeballs like claws and your lungs ponder the wisdom of collapsing as a viable method for forcing your escape.

But there are tables, and...