It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (37)

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“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper
“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones
“So I’m at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon.” – Emo Philips
“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert
“My Dad always knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, ‘Is this a joke?’” – Ken Dodd
“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.’” – Tim Vine
“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.” – Milton Jones
“I moved to a well-to-do area. I know it’s well-to-do because I said to my husband ‘it’s chilly in here’, and he said ‘shall we turn the floor up’?” – Sarah Millican
“Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.” – Tommy Cooper
“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Ken Dodd
“I like to go into The Body Shop and shout out really loud, ‘I’ve already got one!’” – Jimmy Carr
“I got recognised today in Dixons. A member of staff came up to me and said ‘hey you’re that mad bloke off the telly’. I went ‘that’s me’, and he went ‘no, you’re that mad bloke… off the telly!’” – Lee Mack
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.” – Tim Vine
“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” – Paul F Taylor
“A man walked into the doctor’s. He said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there any more.’” – Tommy Cooper
“If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” – Ian Smith
“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.” – Billy Connolly
“My great uncle Arthur died at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. But he wasn’t involved in the fighting. He was camping in a nearby field and popped over to complain about the noise.” – Rob Brydon
“So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, ‘That’s a turtle disaster.’” – Peter Kay