Your Post-Breakup Guide

Aw, babycakes,I'm sorry. Wipe that mascara, blow your nose, and prepare yourself to find yournext ex. I can't have you sitting on the bench feeling miserable. That's awaste of some fine booty right there. You're denying mankind access to one ofNature's finest gifts.

Firstthings first: You need to write a nasty letter to that heartless prick. He'llnever see it, but writing it will make you feel much better. Open your emailprogram, put your own address in the "To:" field, enter a subject ("Letter tothe Fucktard" works), and begin typing. Let it all out, sweetness. Here aresome excellent ideas for phrases to use: PencildickDon'tdeserveAsshatNeverreally liked you anywayWashyour sheets, for Christ's sakeMusthave been drunkIwas faking it … yes, every timeSlobManscapingI'llmiss your dog more than youYou'renot getting it back—it was a giftWasteof timeMyfriends warned meYoumight be gayItis so not sexyChildrenplay video gamesYourcar is also gayBrut,really?Ihope your acorn penis grows fungus and falls offYourbreath is fouler than raw sewageGetover yourselfIdon't even careI'mgoing to the cock parade
You feelmuch better already, don't you? Go get your nails, face, and hair did. Toss ina spray tan. I think it's time for a new outfit. Yes. Do it. I'm thinkingsomething black and strappy. Go make room in your closet immediately.
What'sthat? You just found one of his shirts? Oh, my. Well, please allow me tosuggest you use it for the following: Collectyour Labrador's lawn loafsCleanthe toilet rims he spottedKindlingWriteon it in bright red lipstick, "This belongs to a dick waffle who should neversee another vagina as long as he lives," and leave it on his windshieldDucttape it to your driveway and make sure two wheels hit it every time you pull inor outWearit while Mr. Next pounds the pussy snot out of youGiveit to an ultra-smelly homeless dudeDustyour house with itEnterit in your company's white elephant exchangeTakeit to the shooting range and make lots of holes
I cansee that smile returning, champ. You're almost ready to reenter the game. Now,think: Does he have any almost-as-cute-as-he-isfriends? There must be at least one. Perfect. You need to blow him. I know,I know. Look, sometimes you need to take one (in the throat) for the team. Makesure it's a legendary, toe-curling, back-spasming blowjob, the likes of whichhas only been experienced by immortals and movie stars. Oh, one more thing: Don'tlet anyone see you do it, but make sure you forward the text message this luckyfellow will send you to the ex. It will probably read something like, "OMG, Ithink I love you. I have such a happy penis right now. What was [insert asshole'sname] thinking letting you go?"
Now, you'reready. Go get 'em, tigress!