Why you shouldn't send Christmas cards.

Jeez, whata waste of paper and postage! Do me a favor, friends and relatives: Instead,please PayPal me the cost of the card and postage. I figure $2.99 plus the$0.44 postage stamp should cover it. You find that Grinch-y? Tough sugar cookies.I don't have kids, I don't have a dead tree fire hazard, and my cats willdestroy my house if I try to put Santa caps on them. So, you'll not bereceiving a card from me. I'll look at your card, say, "That's nice," and tossit into the junk mail bin. In essence, you've paid $3.43 plus your timeto contribute to California's recycling program. Your card will probably come backas a coffee cup insulator, which would be a preferable alternative to the card itself.Skip me and tape the card to your next latte.
When Iwas married, my wife would slap these annoying cards on the refrigerator, doorframes,and staircases. She appreciates the cards because she is a nice person. I,however, am an asshole. I hated them. We didn't have kids and were inthe middle of pills and shots and whacking off into a cup at the hospital andsuppositories and hurry-home-my-temperature-is-right quickies, and all of them atquite a substantial sum. I didn't need to be reminded how easy it was for somepeople to plant baby seeds. Damn braggarts. I so wanted to send our holidaycard as a picture of my genetic soup puddled inside asterile cup.
See?Told you I'm a green Grinch-y asshole.
Lookhere. I just received the 2011 holiday postcard from the Whateverberg family.We have Daddy in a silly red sweater who is out of breath from sprintingback-and-forth to the camera timer, Mommy with dark circles under her eyes and tinselin her hair, two self-entitled rugrats who have fallen for a cruel myth used tomake them behave, and the family dog that was licking his red rocket during thethree previous takes. How sweet. Buh-bye, obnoxious card. To the junk pile withyou. I hope you enjoy your equally useless and wasteful company, which isadvertising vinyl siding, curb painting, and closet organizers.
I watchpeople as they stand in front of the greeting card display case. They scan,lift, open, read, return, and move on until they finally find that perfect cardand spend the next five minutes hunting for the missing envelope. Oh, how Iwant to confront this person.
"You dorealize the person you send that to probably won't read it.""Huh?""All Ido when I receive a card is look inside for cash or checks, then flip it overto see how much the sender wasted on sending me somebody else's quote.""But …""No but.Where's the thought and creative energy in that? At least if you send me afamily photo, it's original—boring as watching mold grow, but original.""Do Iknow you?""Considerme one of the ninety-nine percenters who is here to encourage you to stimulatethe economy in more logical ways. Why don't you bake me some cookies? I likechocolate and peanut butter; any combination of the two will do just fine. Oh,and don't put a card in the tin. Simply write your name with a Sharpie on theoutside. I won't need your return address. You'll get squat from me in return unlessI run into you when I'm with a relatively full bottle, in which case I'll pouryou a holiday sip of my grapeness.""Um …security …"
Itsaddens me to watch the deluded masses who can't escape the Hallmark ploy.