Please Fill in My Blanks

I'm just going to be up front:  I want to take advantage of you.

Alex J. Cavanaugh's Insecure Writer's Group brings so many talented writers to my place, and since the purpose of the group is to help each other out, I'm asking you to give it to me.  Help, that is. 

I'm writing a short story for a friend, and I'm stuck on a line---that's where you come in.  Please read and consider the following and let me know in the comments how you'd fill in these blanks:

"For the last ever-since-I've-been-here years, the holiday parties have sucked harder than (a) __________ on a teet full of __________."

The more innocent and less political the connotation, the funnier I'll find it.  Also, I want it to be fabulous.  No pressure... 

Thank you for your participation. :)