secret's out
19 things you didn't know about America for the 4th of July
1. FDR's childhood polio left a convenient excuse for the real reason he was always in a wheelchair-- to hide his constant boner.
2. In 1984 Dr. Emmett Brown, an eccentric American scientist, invented time travel using a modified DeLorean. Although the machine has since been scrapped, no other country has come close to innovating in this field. Suck on that, China.
3. America's involvement lead to victories in both the Zombie and Robot Wars.
4. America's breasts are perky, firm, and at least a full cup bigger than most other countries. And it will thank you not to stare at them.
5. Old Glory is, aesthetically, one of the ugliest flags in the entire world, yet it could still kick your ass. And it probably will, if it gets drunk enough.
6. America's Mexicans beat Mexican Mexicans in a taste test nine out of ten times. Yeah, you read that right.
7. A frequent smear tactic used against Presidential Nominee Jimmy Carter in 1976 from his opponent President Gerald Ford was bringing up his 1968 award for "Ugliest Man in Georgia".
8. American children come in first in unstandardized tests worldwide.
9. In Germany, their country is called Deutschland. In Japan their country is called Nippon. In Spain, their country is called Espana with a little thingie above the N that I do not know how to make using the keyboard. Since we are Americans, we get to call all these shitty countries whatever the fuck we want. (except Japan, they're cool)
10. In the eighth issue of Poor Richard's Almanac, Ben Franklin invented the entire concept of "Bros Before Hos".
11. If you're foreign, our health care system will still fuck you up, even if you just broke a toe. We're equal opportunity at screwing people over when it comes to your health. That's got to count for something, right?
12. America's cock is black, rock hard, and throbbing. And it will thank you to stare at it.
13. Coffee and beer weren't invented in America, but they might as well have been.
14. There's a town in Wisconsin where every year on the 4th of July, a crowd gathers around and stabs a member of the local communist party and everyone has a laugh. You'd think the Communist Party would simply move their headquarters to the next town over, but Commies never learn.
15. Foreigners want to immigrate to the United States for our Freedoms, but also for our Coca-Cola. Seriously, have you ever had Coca-Cola in other countries? It tastes funny.
16. America's Navy is 7% less gay than the average for other Navies around the world. It's still pretty gay though.
17. George Washington Carver was just George Washington in black facepaint, only reincarnated 65 years later, What? didn't jesus do that too.
18. America is extremely ashamed for the Japanese people that were locked up in internment camps during World War II. They are however, rather indifferent for all the Chinese people mistaken for Japanese people that were locked up in internment camps during World War II.
19. Scientists don't know how this is possible, but it was observed by many verified, unbiased witnesses that the Liberty Bell somehow sealed its own crack as a show of solidarity after 9/11. The bell then cracked again after all those human rights violations and torture and stuff.
There you go, 19 little known facts about America, hope you enjoyed them.
1. FDR's childhood polio left a convenient excuse for the real reason he was always in a wheelchair-- to hide his constant boner.
2. In 1984 Dr. Emmett Brown, an eccentric American scientist, invented time travel using a modified DeLorean. Although the machine has since been scrapped, no other country has come close to innovating in this field. Suck on that, China.
3. America's involvement lead to victories in both the Zombie and Robot Wars.
4. America's breasts are perky, firm, and at least a full cup bigger than most other countries. And it will thank you not to stare at them.
5. Old Glory is, aesthetically, one of the ugliest flags in the entire world, yet it could still kick your ass. And it probably will, if it gets drunk enough.
6. America's Mexicans beat Mexican Mexicans in a taste test nine out of ten times. Yeah, you read that right.
7. A frequent smear tactic used against Presidential Nominee Jimmy Carter in 1976 from his opponent President Gerald Ford was bringing up his 1968 award for "Ugliest Man in Georgia".
8. American children come in first in unstandardized tests worldwide.
9. In Germany, their country is called Deutschland. In Japan their country is called Nippon. In Spain, their country is called Espana with a little thingie above the N that I do not know how to make using the keyboard. Since we are Americans, we get to call all these shitty countries whatever the fuck we want. (except Japan, they're cool)
10. In the eighth issue of Poor Richard's Almanac, Ben Franklin invented the entire concept of "Bros Before Hos".
11. If you're foreign, our health care system will still fuck you up, even if you just broke a toe. We're equal opportunity at screwing people over when it comes to your health. That's got to count for something, right?
12. America's cock is black, rock hard, and throbbing. And it will thank you to stare at it.
13. Coffee and beer weren't invented in America, but they might as well have been.
14. There's a town in Wisconsin where every year on the 4th of July, a crowd gathers around and stabs a member of the local communist party and everyone has a laugh. You'd think the Communist Party would simply move their headquarters to the next town over, but Commies never learn.
15. Foreigners want to immigrate to the United States for our Freedoms, but also for our Coca-Cola. Seriously, have you ever had Coca-Cola in other countries? It tastes funny.
16. America's Navy is 7% less gay than the average for other Navies around the world. It's still pretty gay though.
17. George Washington Carver was just George Washington in black facepaint, only reincarnated 65 years later, What? didn't jesus do that too.
18. America is extremely ashamed for the Japanese people that were locked up in internment camps during World War II. They are however, rather indifferent for all the Chinese people mistaken for Japanese people that were locked up in internment camps during World War II.
19. Scientists don't know how this is possible, but it was observed by many verified, unbiased witnesses that the Liberty Bell somehow sealed its own crack as a show of solidarity after 9/11. The bell then cracked again after all those human rights violations and torture and stuff.
There you go, 19 little known facts about America, hope you enjoyed them.
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