Rules For Fidget Spinners In This House

Fidget spinners do not go in your mouth.Fidget spinners do not go up your nose, or in your ear, or HEY PUT THAT DOWN.Fidget spinners are not conversation starters, especially for conversations about how awesome fidget spinners are.Fidget spinners are not throwing stars.Fidget spinners are not shurikens, which are the same exact same thing as throwing stars.Fidget spinners do not have names.Fidget spinners do not have charming personalities.Fidget spinners do not have rich inner lives.Your imaginary friend does not need a fidget spinner.Fidget spinners are not a substitute for doing your homework, or your chores, or talking to Nana when she calls on the landline, and yes, that’s why we still have one.Fidget spinners do not get lonely when no one plays with them.Fidget spinners do not get dizzy.Only fidget spinners are fidget spinners, so put that down before you hurt yourself.Fidget spinners do not need to be woken up at three in the morning so you can show them how much you care about them.Fidget spinners do not come to life when your back is turned.Fidget spinners do not need a ten-page instructional handbook.Fidget spinners do not have complicated back-stories.Fidget spinners were not invented by cavemen.Fidget spinners do not float.Just–okay, just hand it here. Go play a video game or something. I am begging you.