It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (36)

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“Centaurs shop at Topman. And Bottomhorse.” Dan Antopolski (2017)
“Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.” Paul Savage (2017)
“I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.” Caroline Mabey (2017)
“I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.” Olaf Falafel (2018)
“I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off.” William Andrews (2018)
“Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.” Christian Talbot (2018)
“When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming.” Olaf Falafel (2018)
“Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short.” Lou Sanders (2018)
“I had a survey done on my house. Eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.”– Jimmy Carr
“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…” – Milton Jones
“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’” – Damien Slash
“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” – Jordan Brookes
“I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my Dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.” – Lee Mack
“A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food in here.’” – Peter Kay
“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” – Tim Vine
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.” – Mitch Hedberg
“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’” – Tim Vine
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr