How To Hold a Door Like a Mensch

Better to make a conscious choice at a doorway than to just go through.

Have you ever wondered if you are doing too much for other people? Perhaps you’ve felt taken advantage of, or felt like it is selfish to take care of yourself. Sometimes ordinary daily activities, like holding a door for another person, can provide insights to help you deal with more complex situations. For example…

I was on a collage tour my daughter and wife. As we entered a building, I held a door for one of the other dads. He was walking slowly, his head glued to his phone. I was filled with resentful and judgmental thoughts. “What a bad dad, “I thought. “Doing work when he should be focused on his family.” I felt a strong temptation not to hold the door for him.

 

Then, I thought, “A Mensch would not act on judgmental thoughts, and holds the door for other people.” In Mussar terms, holding the door for someone is a way to practice Honor, the soul trait that reminds us to notice the Divine Spark in everyone. So, I held the door for him.

 

A little while later, he was off phone and was in front of me as we exited a stairwell. He did not hold the door for me.  “Hmmm,” I thought. “Not everyone thinks about these things, and makes the extra effort.”

As the tour came to a close, I was once again in front of him as we were going through a door. This time, I elected not to hold the door for him. I would have had to wait a few seconds, and thought “Tit for Tat,” This phrase is shorthand for a Game Theory approach to cooperation when you interact with the same person again and again. In short, you lead with generosity, but if the other person does not reciprocate, you do not reciprocate the next chance you get. Tit for Tat is considered a winning strategy.

 

Granted, holding a door for someone else is a small example. The other person did not notice whether I held the door or not. The person impacted by this exercise was me. And it provides a doorway to a Mussar Practice for all of us to try.

 

***********Here’s the Mussar Practice************
Hold the door open more or less. Metaphorically, in your life, do you hold the door for others or allow others to hold it open for you? Holding the door for a stranger is a menchy thing to do. But if you are holding the door again and again for the same people and they do not reciprocate, you have an opportunity to examine whether this relationship is working for you.

Let me be clear: There are no right or wrong answers. Understanding this dynamic will give you more options in your life.

And if you never hold the door for other people, over the next week hold the door and smile whenever you get a chance.
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It says in the Talmud, “Whomever exercises mercy where strictness is required will eventually be cruel where kindness is required.” (Rabbah 7.33). This is an analogous situation – a limit is better than just giving and giving.

 

When I was in the business world, I tended to help others even when they were not helping me. I think it would have helped my career to say no more often. My coworkers would have respected my time more, and realized they needed to help me in return if they wanted me to go the extra mile.

 

How does this practice fit in with your life? 
Want to see if Honor is one of the keystone soul traits in your spiritual curriculum? Take the Soul Trait Quiz.

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