The Eternal Footman Says Hello
“Hello,” Andrea said. “Welcome to the afterlife. May I take your coat?”
“Welcome to the what?” Stephen said, blinking. The last thing he remembered was driving down the road, and then a sudden blast of light and a shriek of metal. Now quite suddenly he found himself in a well-appointed room with a fireplace along one wall, and an angel standing beside the fireplace coolly reaching for his coat.
“The afterlife,” Andrea said. “I hate to tell you this, but you died. I collected your soul myself. Your processing will begin shortly.”
“My pro-” Stephen didn’t even get the obvious question out before there was a sudden pop, and a third person appeared in the room.
“Hey!” the new arrival protested. “What’re you doing? He’s not dead!”
“He was unconscious when I found him,” Andrea said defensively. “He was clearly about to die, Donny.”
“About to die isn’t the same thing!” Donny shot back. “I know I’m new at protection detail, I’ve only saved ducks and a wind turbine technician and all, but come on! I do know basic first aid! I could’ve saved him!”
“Oh, please.” Andrea rolled her eyes. “The guy was in a smart car. He was hit by a dump truck. Dude wasn’t going to make it. ”
“You don’t know that! He could’ve done!”
“This your first time losing one, then?” Andrea inquired. “Didn’t lose any of the ducks when you were on duck detail? Look, buddy, it happens. You’ll get used to it. Human beings are super fragile; they get bumped off all the time. ”
“Excuse me,” Stephen interjected. “First, I’d like my coat back, and second, I’m still here, guys, and what do you mean I died?”
“Yeah, sorry, you’re dead, it sucks,” Andrea said. “We’ll start the review of your life in just a sec-“
“LOOK OVER THERE IT’S A DEMON LOCUST!” Donny shouted, so frantically that Andrea spun round, her golden sword leaping to her hand. Donny dove past her. There was a flash of light and a bang, and suddenly Andrea found herself alone in the room. Stephen’s coat lay abandoned on the ground.
Andrea used some words most unbecoming of an angel. She had been on Death Angel duty for two years, and had never lost one yet. “This is going to Peter, I’m telling you!” she yelled at the empty room. “Right up to Peter! We’ll just see what he says about this!”
