“My father is schizophrenic. As a child I lived with him every...

“My father is schizophrenic.  As a child I lived with him every other week.  During those times I acted like a second mother.  I did everything for him.  I’d make all the decisions, even the difficult ones.  He lived in the past.  He’d bring up fights he had during his childhood.  And he was paranoid.  Mostly he was paranoid of losing me.  He’d call me his ‘soul mate.’  His ‘sunshine.’  It was all very confusing.  I was only ten years old.  The most hurtful thing was seeing him destroy himself.  He was capable of getting a job, especially when he took his medicine. But he was always drunk.  He had a lot of homeless friends that took advantage of the situation.  They’d take his money.  They’d sleep over.  And I was the one who had to kick them out.  Everything was on my shoulders.  I was losing weight.  I couldn’t concentrate at school.  Eventually I decided I couldn’t take it anymore.  One night he got so angry that I locked myself in the bathroom, and I stopped talking to him for four years.  No more worrying.  No more headaches.  I felt a bit guilty, but mostly I just felt free.  I could work on my own problems.  I could learn about myself.  I’m seventeen now, and we’ve started talking again recently.  But on my terms.  I decide when I want to see him.  It’s still complicated, but it’s easier.  Because I’ve learned to accept that my father has no interest in improving his situation.  And that it’s not my responsibility to make him.”
(Paris, France)