I miss having faith

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Easter always makes me wax religious, which is an odd experience for someone who lost their faith.

I wrote about my crisis of faith and the details of my leaving the religious traditions of my family in more detail before, but today I don’t want to dwell on the past. I’m thinking about the present and future.

Maybe it’s a symptom from my upbringing, but on occasion I feel the desire to pray, or attend church, read scriptures. The problem is I wouldn’t know where to start.

This isn’t about rejecting the promptings of God for sake of my own ego, but about the fact that I simply don’t believe in the god of my family’s traditions. I haven’t for a very long time.

Even as a child, I didn’t find feelings of spirituality in the imagery of an angry god to be feared and loved, but in the serenity and beauty of the natural world I grew up around.

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For lack of better language in this area, I feel closest to God when I’m submerged fully in the real world, the places where animals and plants live by their desires and needs, not by organization.

I feel no love or spirituality in the constructs of a society Hell-bent on its own gain. Not in churches led by men who make decisions for the lives of their congregations and expect to be obeyed.

I don’t miss Christianity, but I do miss the feeling of knowing. A confidence that you’re doing something right on a cosmic level. I miss a regular attendance to church, a place where I am surrounded by other (usually) well-meaning people in our collective journey to self-betterment.

I miss community.

Instead, I feel somewhat alone. It’s not true of course, I have my friends, the love of my life and my family even if they are far away. Still, sometimes I feel the old habits wanting to come up. I want to rest on my knees and pray to… well I really wouldn’t know.

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Is it wrong to pray when you don’t even know who or what you’re praying to? Is it wrong to seek wisdom from a scripture you no longer believe in? It feels to me like seeking comfort in these things are wrong, unhealthy. The way a child clings to a blanket, or an addict clings to their high, it’s not right.

This world is full of beauty and spirituality. It’s an incredible place that, just for being, deserves respect and love if not some measure of worship.

The trick is, for me, I have no idea how to do that anymore.

I miss having faith was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.