Weight upon me

I haven’t posted here in a while. Here is why, what’s been going on with me, where I am, and what I’m doing about it.

Last year was mostly a struggle.

I don’t want to get into the particulars at this point; suffice to say that 2018 was hard, I survived, and I came out of it at the end… okay. Able to carry on. I guess that’s not saying much.

The worst
and probably most illustrative part was when I wound up in hospital for 4 days
with a massive infection – the medical staff were concerned and looked after me
well, while I was calm and pretty philosophical about it all. It was more of
the same kind of pressure that I’m used to; it just took a different form than
usual. I narrowly avoided needing surgery and was eventually released to look
after myself again.

It was all part of a downward spiral, though, and it became impossible to avoid recognising that. I’ve tried to deny it for so long, determined to believe that I can keep pushing on, that it’ll swing back up if I just hold on. I’ve been holding on so tight that my knuckles are white and my hands have been shaking for a while now, and I know I can’t maintain this grip for long.

Most importantly: it’s not getting better; it’s only getting worse. My health, the amount of stress I’m carrying, the financial burdens.

There are things that have slipped away from me that I didn’t truly notice for a while. Things I put down ‘for now’ to try to catch my breath or refocus or get back on my feet. Spoons I gathered in to use in other places. Spoons I had intended to only borrow, to eventually return to where they came from: things I meant to get back to. But didn’t.

In many cases, this was around my writing, and was visible in all the places I went quiet. This blog, Inkspired, publishing, my writing group (though there were many reasons I put that on hiatus), all of the in-progress projects I haven’t made any progress on in a while. Things I love and enjoy slipping through my fingers. For the record: it’s not because they’re unimportant or that I fell out of love. I’ve missed them and I want them back.

I’m tired of being strong.

I’m tired of many things. I’m tired of working every weekday. I’m tired of walling off Sundays to rest, so I can survive working every weekday.

I’m tired of trying to do the right thing for everyone else. I’m tired of carrying the weight of supporting my family. I’m tired of not complaining about it. I’m tired of being stressed about money and bills.

I’m tired of struggling with my health every day. I’m tired of trying to count and budget spoons. I’m tired of letting people down. I’m tired of not being able to do everything, not even everything I want to. I’m tired of having ideas I can’t follow through on. I’m tired of soldiering on anyway. I’m tired of trying to believe that what I can do is enough.

Most of
all, I’m tired of being tired.

This year, I’m trying to make changes.

I’m working
to pull out from under the strain before I buckle and fall and can’t get back
up again.

Making
changes is more energy, more spoons: more work. Different work than just
keeping on where I am. It’s pulling yet more pressure onto myself, in the hopes
of lessening it later. It’s borrowing spoons from next week, from six months
from now, in the hopes that the lighter times will come before I have to pay them
all back.

It’s the
only way that things will change. It’s my only hope of climbing out of this
hole I’m in and getting to someplace better. I’ve been scraping to make ends
meet and put enough aside to be able to get out of the physical place I’m in
(moving is expensive). My health is hanging by a thread, and I’m trying to push
towards treatment while also balancing the cost of it all. I’m trying to manage
how others are impacted by the changes I need to make, to be as kind to them as
I can, while not sacrificing my own needs in the process.

It is hard.
I’m struggling and I am so very, very tired.

I am blessed in many ways.

It’s
important to remember those as well, especially now when everything feels so
dark and heavy. It’s easy to lose sight of the good stuff and just see all the
problems rising up around you.

I have
wonderful people in my life, for whom I am eternally grateful. They support me,
even if all they can do is listen to me when I need to talk or whine or
complain or just shout into the void. They offer practical help too and I know
I can call on them if I need to. They don’t make me feel bad for making the
choices that I need to make. I hope they know how precious they are, to me and
the other lives they touch.

I have a
good job, and I work with great colleagues. My job provides me with some
stability, and I work hard to make it a priority. It pays my bills and allows
me to live fairly well and support my family. I get to explore things that
interest me, I feel like I make a meaningful contribution, and it gives me some
satisfaction. The security I have here is so very needed, particularly in the
current political climate and job market. In this, I am very lucky. I work hard
to try to keep hold of what I have and it means a lot to know that it’s worth
the effort I put in.

A smaller
thing to be grateful for is that I finished paying off my car last year, which
means I’m back to being totally debt-free. That is one particular source of
stress I am now free of. And no more payments means a little more money I can
put aside this year – which is how I’m scraping together enough to make other,
more impactful changes. It’s a slender chain of progress, moving so terribly
slowly, but progress nonetheless.

It’s so
easy to forget about these things, so I strive to keep them in mind. I am
grateful and they make it easier to be hopeful for other parts of my life to
get better, too. I would not be here without them.

So, looking forward.

There is a
lot coming up for me over the next few months. I am preparing to move house: a
long, hard job, because I am downsizing to relieve some of the financial burden,
and we have way, way too much stuff. The next couple of months will be packing,
sorting, selling, cleaning, and moving. It is daunting to contemplate but I’m
keeping a balanced perspective; breaking it down and taking it one bite at a
time. We’ve started and progress is being made.

It looks
like I might have another business trip coming up, shortly after the house move
is done. I got to visit one of our US offices last year and I’m joining a new
project soon, so I might get to visit another of our US offices to kick that
off. Which is great and exciting! But the thought of international travel makes
me tired and I have to be careful with scheduling to manage my energy well
enough to be useful while I’m there. I am looking forward to it, though.

And it
looks like I have surgery coming up this year as well. Not related to the
hospital stint I had last November, but they did spot an issue while I was
there, and follow-up has shown that there’s something I need to have dealt
with. It’s going to mean about a week in the hospital and at least another week
before I’m fully mobile again.

I guess it
counts as major surgery but honestly, I’m mostly looking forward to getting it
done. I’m not worried about it. Those with chronic conditions will understand
the relief of having a medical issue that they can do something about and might
actually get solved. I made a surgeon laugh when he was surprised about how
calm I was about it and I said, “Oh, I collect chronic conditions. It’s nice to
have something I can give back for once.”

So all that
takes me through to July, possibly August, depending on public hospital system
waiting lists. It’s a lot, and I have to keep reminding myself to take it one
step at a time so I don’t feel overwhelmed. But I know that, at the end of it
all, things will be so much better for me. I just have to get through it.

Right now, I’m doing okay. I’m still so terribly tired and I’m still struggling. But I’m making progress and I have some positive goals to aim for. I have support I am so terribly grateful for. I’ll make it through. I’ll get back to the things I let slip and pick them up again.

Like this blog: I’m aiming to start posting here again more regularly, though perhaps not frequently to start with. I’m kick-starting a few other parts of my life as well, getting more balls rolling, because I’m sick of waiting. I want to live my life.

I am tired
and I’m lucky and I love all of you, even if we haven’t talked in a while. I
hope we’ll talk soon.