It’s The Way I Tell ‘Em (34)

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As the world seems to be going to hell in a handcart, I thought I would try to cheer us all up.

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine (2011)
“I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail.” Hayley Ellis (2016)
“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.” Yianni (2015)
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen (2011)
“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” Tom Ward (2015)
“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.” Alfie Moore (2013)
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” Will Marsh (2012)
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett (2012)
“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” Alex Horne (2014)
“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” Joe Lycett (2014)
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014)
“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.”Mark Watson (2014)
“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.”Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014)
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney (2010)
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis (2012)
“Today… I did seven press ups: not in a row.” Daniel Kitson (2012)
“People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.”Kai Humphries (2014)
“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey (2014)
“Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.” John Luke-Roberts (2016)
“Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired.” Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop (2014)