15 really, really bad jokes for December

 

·        
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning.  Can you believe that?  Luckily for him, I was still up playing my
bagpipes.

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 

·        
The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner.  Talk about Dyson with death.

 

·        
Paddy says, 'Mick, I'm thinking of getting a Labrador.'  'Really,' says Mick.  'Have you seen how many of their owners go
blind?'

 

·        
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!  At least, I presume she was poor.  She only had £1.20 in her purse.

 

·        
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. 
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

·        
Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed.  At first I was afraid
then I was petrified.

 

·        
The wife has been missing for a week now.  The Police said to prepare for the worst, so
I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

·        
A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I quuizzed him on it he reckoned he
could stop any time.

 

·        
I went to the cemetery yesterday to put some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there, I noticed four grave
diggers walking about with a coffin. 
Three hours later they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself , 'These guys have lost
the plot!'

 

·        
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70.  'Blow
this,' I thought.  'I can get one cheaper
off the web.'

 

·        
Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.

 

·        
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

·        
I start a new job in Seoul next week. 
I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

·        
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of
the road.  The driver was sobbing uncontrollably
and looked very miserable.   I thought to myself, 'That guy's heading for a
breakdown.'

 

·        
I just met a fat, alcoholic transvestite.  He wants to eat, drink and be Mary.