Things I Learned While Painting My Kitchen

1. If you call Stacey more than once a day she starts screening your calls.

2. You really can get a contact buzz from paint fumes.

3. The aforementioned buzz is not a fun buzz but more of a mind bending, dizzying, groggy type situation that leads to you painting entire walls the wrong color.

4. Centrifugal force is not your friend when using a paint roller.*

5. The Regulator does not like hearing about me doing things half-assed. For example:

Me: Hi Mom.
The Regulator: You've called me like 5 times today.
Me: I know. Laura just had a baby and Stacey isn't picking up. You're the only one who never screens my calls.
The Regulator: Real nice, Lisa.
Me: I'm a terrible painter.
The Regulator: You're already painting? What room did you start with?
Me: The kitchen.
The Regulator: I thought you liked the red. (Translation: I've always hated that color, thank GOD you're finally doing something about it.)
Me: Yeah, it's just sort of dated.
The Regulator: I hope you're not cutting corners.
Me: I'm cutting every corner possible.
The Regulator: *Deep, tortured, sigh that roughly translates to this: Why God, WHY did  I birth such a lazy, worthless daughter who can't even be bothered to properly slap up a coat of paint on her hopelessly out of date home?!?*
Me: Awesome. Talk to you later.

Tonight I'm painting the dining room. Pray for me.

*Per Josin L. McQuein: You have incited the wrath of my inner science geek. It's CENTRIPETAL force. "Centrifugal force" doesn't actually exist the way most people think. 


Thanks Josin! I'd like to blame the paint fumes, but the truth is I just suck at science. Thank God we have smart blog readers.