Your Post-Breakup Guide

Aw, babycakes,
I'm sorry. Wipe that mascara, blow your nose, and prepare yourself to find your
next ex. I can't have you sitting on the bench feeling miserable. That's a
waste of some fine booty right there. You're denying mankind access to one of
Nature's finest gifts.







First
things first: You need to write a nasty letter to that heartless prick. He'll
never see it, but writing it will make you feel much better. Open your email
program, put your own address in the "To:" field, enter a subject ("Letter to
the Fucktard" works), and begin typing. Let it all out, sweetness. Here are
some excellent ideas for phrases to use:

Pencil
dick
Don't
deserve
Asshat
Never
really liked you anyway
Wash
your sheets, for Christ's sake
Must
have been drunk
I
was faking it … yes, every time
Slob
Manscaping
I'll
miss your dog more than you
You're
not getting it back—it was a gift
Waste
of time
My
friends warned me
You
might be gay
It
is so not sexy
Children
play video games
Your
car is also gay
Brut,
really?
I
hope your acorn penis grows fungus and falls off
Your
breath is fouler than raw sewage
Get
over yourself
I
don't even care
I'm
going to the cock parade







You feel
much better already, don't you? Go get your nails, face, and hair did. Toss in
a spray tan. I think it's time for a new outfit. Yes. Do it. I'm thinking
something black and strappy. Go make room in your closet immediately.




What's
that? You just found one of his shirts? Oh, my. Well, please allow me to
suggest you use it for the following:

Collect
your Labrador's lawn loafs
Clean
the toilet rims he spotted
Kindling
Write
on it in bright red lipstick, "This belongs to a dick waffle who should never
see another vagina as long as he lives," and leave it on his windshield
Duct
tape it to your driveway and make sure two wheels hit it every time you pull in
or out
Wear
it while Mr. Next pounds the pussy snot out of you
Give
it to an ultra-smelly homeless dude
Dust
your house with it
Enter
it in your company's white elephant exchange
Take
it to the shooting range and make lots of holes







I can
see that smile returning, champ. You're almost ready to reenter the game. Now,
think: Does he have any almost-as-cute-as-he-is
friends? There must be at least one. Perfect. You need to blow him. I know,
I know. Look, sometimes you need to take one (in the throat) for the team. Make
sure it's a legendary, toe-curling, back-spasming blowjob, the likes of which
has only been experienced by immortals and movie stars. Oh, one more thing: Don't
let anyone see you do it, but make sure you forward the text message this lucky
fellow will send you to the ex. It will probably read something like, "OMG, I
think I love you. I have such a happy penis right now. What was [insert asshole's
name] thinking letting you go?"




Now, you're
ready. Go get 'em, tigress!