Not a Blog Post

I haven’t written a blog post today. I was late to work because there was a serious and prolonged existential crisis about which shoes a certain child should wear to school today. (I’m glad she took the boots because I can see the clouds scooting down the mountains.)

On my lunch I ran over to said school to watch my oldest on stage crew for the play. (The irony of “watching” stage crew is not lost on me.)

I pulled my daughter out of class to watch the play because she had called earlier from the nurse’s office about a stomach ache. She snuggled up next to me and asked every five minutes if she could come back to work with me today. By the end of the performance, I was running out of ways to say no.

What do you do when it’s your ex-husband’s “day” and all you want to do is scoop your babies into your arms and home to bake cookies?

You tell them no. You tell them they have to stay. You tell them, I’ll see you Friday. And all the time your heart is pinching you so hard because two days separated from your children is a series of small deaths. Especially when you know the separation is a permanent thing. As the years go by the separation will only harden. And become a whale bone in your stomach. And theirs.

After the play, my son was exultant. It was in his arms and legs: he was so proud. So absolutely delighted that he got to boss around first graders in costumes. And I wanted to capture that happiness and share it with someone.

The same person I wish I could share my daughter’s separation anxiety and struggles with school.

But what do you do when there isn’t a person? I know I can call friends or parents (who are all so fantastically supportive), but sometimes you want there to be a person.

This parenting thing, we weren’t made to do this alone.

And so to all of you out there, who, for whatever mad reason, have no person (whether you’re single or divorced or in a relationship with someone who just doesn’t care), I hear you. I see you. I’ll be your person.

Like I whispered to my daughter while pushing her back into class: you are courageous and so so brave and you can do anything.

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