6 Ways To Stand Up For Yourself

From Catherine Saint Louis @ The New York Times: No one sets out to be a doormat. Yet some people are chronically passive, always putting other’s needs before their own. These are the folks who end up babysitting for an acquaintance instead of going to their yoga class. In the long run, being unable to express what you want is a recipe for perpetual dissatisfaction, because your needs always end up on the back burner. The good news is people can learn to ask for the things they want at home, at work and even at a local restaurant when you get a burnt steak and want a new one.

Be Assertive, Not Aggressive

All of us have said yes to a commitment or task we didn’t really want to do. How many of us have rented a tux or bought a bridesmaid’s dress we couldn’t afford, and flown to be part of a wedding we didn’t really want to attend?

In the moment, unassertive behavior has certain perks. After all, dropping your plans to help a relative or disorganized boss means not only avoiding conflict but also avoiding letting anyone down. You get to be the hero!

But over time, being unable to express what you want is a recipe for perpetual dissatisfaction, because your needs always end up on the back burner.

Assertiveness Is The Answer

Excessively-agreeable types aren’t the only ones who can benefit from learning to be assertive. Overly hostile people benefit, too.

Aggressiveness is sometimes mistaken for assertiveness but they are different. It’s one thing to stand up for yourself, and quite another to bully others to get your way.

Here’s the difference between aggression and assertiveness. When there’s a difference of opinion, a hostile, aggressive boss may lose her temper in a meeting or resort to calling underlings names to end the discussion. But assertive people can stand up for themselves without tearing down anyone else. They might say, “I can see why your proposal has benefits, but here’s how I think we should proceed.”

Randy J. Paterson, a psychologist who wrote “The Assertiveness Workbook,” explained that “If you take an aggressive posture, you’re allowed on stage and your mission is to get everyone else off.” By contrast, assertive people are collegial thespians who don’t mind sharing the stage. They can be cordial even as they express an unpopular opinion.

In short, assertiveness is not a license to be rude, says Robert Alberti, a renowned psychologist who co-authored the seminal 1970s book about assertiveness: “Your Perfect Right.” The aim of the book, co-authored with Michael Emmons, a psychologist, was to teach people to express themselves while being respectful to others. They wrote: “Equality is fundamental to assertive living.”

How to Be Assertive

There are a number of ways assertiveness plays out. (And it can take practice.)

Assertiveness is a skill. It entails multiple abilities, not only being able to say no. Assertive people can also express negative feedback; they can make their needs known; and importantly, they can stand up for themselves in a way that doesn’t denigrate others.

Not sure how to be assertive? It takes some training, but you can learn how to express your thoughts comfortably without feeling unduly anxious. Here’s some things to try:

1. Be Brief

Julie de Azevedo Hanks, a Utah psychotherapist, likes to remind herself that “No is a complete sentence.” You are not obligated to explain at length to a friend or stranger why you’d prefer not to do something. (A boss may require more rationale, but a succinct answer is still best.)

2. Be Gracious In Declining An Invitation

Dr. Hanks, author of “The Assertiveness Guide for Women,” said that if she is asked to return as a speaker at a conference for a second year and she doesn’t want to go, she may say, “I’m glad it went well last year, but this year is no good.”

3. Use “I” Phrases

If a co-worker expects prompt answers to their Saturday night missives, inform them on Friday: “I need uninterrupted downtime this weekend so I’m not checking mail until Monday.” By contrast, “you” phrases sound accusatory and tend to backfire, as any spouse knows.

4. Stall

If you’re indecisive or need a moment to consider a request, use a delay tactic, Dr. Paterson advises. Say: “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” No more knee-jerk “Yes’s”.

5. Prepare Responses

For repeat askers in your life, decide beforehand what requests are unreasonable and then formulate a “pleasant but firm” answer, Dr. Paterson said. For instance, if your mother wants you to paint her bathroom this weekend, you may decide you’re not willing to do it, even though you’ve long been her go-to painter. One way to go: “I don’t have time in my schedule to tackle this anytime soon, but I’m happy to send you a few names of reliable painters.”

6. Act It Out

It might seem silly, but rehearsing certain scenarios in front of the mirror or role playing with a trusted friend can help. Practice sounding relaxed, even if you aren’t.

Gut Check: Are You A Doormat?

Still not sure if you are saying yes too often to other’s requests? Ask yourself the following questions the next time you do something for someone else:

Am I Secretly Enraged?

One tell-tale sign that you may be too passive is having simmering rage that you keep to yourself. Anger is not just for aggressive people, Dr. Paterson explained. If you find yourself thinking that the world is populated with inconsiderate idiots who constantly ask you to do stuff and don’t appreciate your efforts, perhaps you are quietly seething, he said. Another sign is feeling like you’re a boiler with pressure building up.

Do I Give, Give, Give, With No Take?

Lisa M. Schab, a licensed clinical social worker in Libertyville, Ill., said her passive clients have a common complaint. “I did all this for them, and they do nothing for me.” If you are so generous that you are chronically resentful and drained, you may be overdoing it, she said. Healthy relationships are balanced, with give and take.

Is Your Body Language Telling You Something?

In their book, “Your Perfect Right,” Dr. Alberti and Dr. Emmons explained that people who look down and can’t make eye contact, even to a person they’re speaking to, come off as deferential and sheepish. At Starbucks, do you whisper when you order a latte? At a cocktail party, do you approach strangers with so much trepidation your body transforms into what the authors call a ‘Please don’t hurt me’ posture? You may be a pushover.

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