Transcript of Evidence Provided At Justifiable Homicide Hearing
INTERIOR. SURVEILLANCE CAMERA FOOTAGE. HALLWAY, MID-PRICED FAMILY RESORT HOTEL.
Oh, hey there. Having a fun time? Man, we sure are. I guess we’re vacation neighbors, how about that?
Name’s Doorslammer. Bob Doorslammer. We’re staying in the two rooms next to you, and the three across the hall. We’re a big family, the Doorslammers. I’m across the hall, and my boys are in the four other rooms, with their kids.
You probably maybe heard someone slamming the doors last night. Yeah? That was us, sure enough. It’s an interesting teleological argument, you know. Do we slam doors because we’re Doorslammers, or did we get the Doorslammer name because we like to slam doors? Either way, we sure do love to slam doors. I mean, it’s okay if you like to close your door quietly, the way you do. We sure do appreciate your consideration. But in this family? Hell, no. We slam doors in this family. Here, let me show you.
DOORSLAMMER SLAMS his door closed.
Yeah! That was a good one. Anyway, we sure do love to slam doors in our family. I do it, of course, and Billy Ray does, and Bob, Junior, and Mickey and Ricky, and of course all their kids follow in their grandpa’s footsteps. Just slamming doors all night. Doesn’t matter what time of day, neither. Poke your head out at eleven o’clock at night, you’re bound to find one of us slamming a door.
The way you do it, see, is you don’t do it constantly. Because that would just be annoying, right? What you have to do is space it out. Slam a door, that’s fine, but then wait six or seven minutes before you do it again. You know, so it’s not constant or anything. But the grandkids, you see, they don’t understand that, they just slam the door whenever. That’s why we have to spend so much time yelling at them.
Are you okay? Because your face is turning kinda red.
Anyway, whenever we go anywhere, that’s like Christmas and New Year’s for the grandkids, because there’s so many doors to slam. They just love doing it, bless their little hearts. Well, it keeps them from knocking down all the other kids in the hallways, although they like doing that, too.
Your little girls seem nice and quiet, though. Must be nice. Although I thought I heard one of ’em crying, though. Wonder why that was.
Anyway, it’s nice seeing the grandkids again. They sure do have a lot of energy, though. I usually quit slamming doors around midnight, but they can keep it up until two or three in the morning. That’s some real initiative, if you ask me. I just love hearing that sound, you know. SLAM! That’s what I’m talking about. Even if I’m trying to sleep, you know, it’s kinda reassuring to hear that sound. Well, you know what I mean.
What I always try and do in a hotel is to slam the door while I’m inside my room. See? That way, if I’m staying next to some jerk who doesn’t appreciate the sound a well-hung door makes when you slam the hell out of it, I can always deny doing it. “Wasn’t me,” I say. “I didn’t hear nothing.” And they can’t prove it was me, you know. You’d be surprised at just how many people get disturbed when you start slamming doors in the middle of the night. I guess they don’t appreciate the finer things in life like you and me.
You’re checking out tomorrow? So are we. Gotta get back to work, you know. I have a great job, I tell you what. You know how the government makes them big call centers keep up those “do not call” lists? Well, turns out, if you know the right people, you can buy those lists. Don’t cost much, either.
So what me and my boys do, we buy up those lists of people who don’t want to be called, and we call ’em. The law says you can’t call anyone on those lists if you wanna sell ’em something, so we don’t sell ’em anything. We just call and hang up.
Why? Well, we’re trying to figure out when people are at home, and who picks up their phone and who doesn’t. Some people are just conditioned to pick up a ringing phone. That’s our customer base. We just call at all hours of the day and night. If you pick up your phone, well, we can sell your number to people who do opinion surveys, and charities, and solar power contractors. Talk about making some money!
Why are you picking up that fire extinguisher? You wouldn’t hit a man with something like that, would you? Hey! Put that thing down!
