Mission Statement and Strategic Vision, Happy Fun Co. (Internal)
Our company exists to take money from small, gullible children and their irritable, easily wheedled parents, while giving nothing in return but a minuscule chance at receiving a stuffed animal.
Who We Are
We are your neighbors. We are your friends. And we are the people who construct those claw machine games you see on the Boardwalk, you know, the ones where you put in a dollar and maneuver the little claw and drop it on top of a pile of stuffed animals, with the idea that the claw will pick up a stuffed animal and drop it in the little chute, only the claw isn’t actually capable of picking anything up, and you just lost your dollar. And we’re also the people who pack the stuffed animals down in the machine so there’s really no way you could get one out anyway, even if the claw worked, which it totally doesn’t.
Our Strategy
It’s really simple. We construct these machines with lots of flashing lights, and bright, cheerful signs, and make sure that we use the cheapest materials possible in building the claw part of it. Then we stuff the machines full of Beanie-Baby knockoffs that we order wholesale from Cambodia. Then we put the machines in places that parents might take their children to have a little fun, and where the parents might have their inhibitions lowered enough to say, “Okay, quit bugging me, here’s a stupid dollar, go play the claw machine if that makes you happy.” Then we take the dollar, and the kid doesn’t get their stuffed animal, and maybe they try again. And maybe some other kid sees it and wants to try it, and we make yet another dollar.
How We Do What We Do
Well, Jeff and Clay over there make up the machines–Jeff cuts the glass, and Clay does the sheet metal work. Paul does all the electrical work, and Mark installs the little machine that has the slot where you put in the dollar. And then Chet play-tests it to make sure you can’t get the stuffed animal out of the machine, no matter how hard you try. I order all the stuffed animals–well, mostly it’s stuffed animals, sometimes we put other stuff in there, depending on the client. I handle the sales, and everybody helps load up the machines on the truck so that Clint can drive it to wherever it is that’s ordered one. Pretty standard stuff.
How We Sleep At Night
Pretty good, although I get back spasms every once in awhile, especially when Mark takes a day off and I have to help load machines on the truck. Clay has sleep apnea and has to use one of those machines, but other than that he’s fine. Chet stays up late on Monday nights during football season, and sometimes when the Mets are out on the West Coast, but he always makes it in to work on time.
No, How Do You Sleep At Night Knowing That You Take Allowance Money From Innocent Children
Well, that’s our market. I mean, you know, really, when you think about it, we’re doing them a service. We’re providing entertainment, the same kind of entertainment you get when you put a quarter in the slot machine, or buy a lottery ticket. And we have better odds than the lottery. I mean, maybe not much better, but you get the idea. And what else are they going to do with it? Spend it on candy? Yeah, right, like that’s a good idea. It’s a little bit of harmless fun, and the kids learn something. Or at least they learn to be less gullible, and that’s a good thing. I mean, you ought to read the crap that people post on Facebook.
