Understanding Estrangement
One thing I’ve learned?
Estrangement does not mean you don’t love someone.
And yes, I speak from personal experience.
I’ve been estranged from my parents and four siblings for more than six years. That’s more than 2,190 days. My heart has carried the weight of every single one of those days.
I’ve also experienced all sorts of different emotions during those six-going-on-seven-years. Sometimes conflicting emotions within the same hour.
There were the early days, soaked in tears and stained with anger – mine and theirs.
There were days clouded with longing – the desire to pick up the phone and call someone. A sibling. A parent. To attempt a conversation. I still have those days on occasion. But then I realize nothing’s changed and the conversation would be unwise at best – and most likely emotionally reckless.
How can anything change if there’s no communication, you ask? Consider this: Just because you’re talking with someone doesn’t mean you’re communicating.
And then there are the days when I miss my mom. My dad. My two sisters. My two brothers. Usually it’s when a birthday rolls around. Or Thanksgiving. Or Christmas.
But my friend Wise Guy – remember him? – has helped me understand an important distinction. What I’m missing are the relationships I wish I’d had with my family, not the reality of the way things are – the way things were for years and years before the estrangement.
On those days, I whisper, “Happy birthday” or “Merry Christmas.” I pray for them. And I pray for me, too.
Often, you can come to accept that just because you love someone romantically it doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together. Sometimes you can love someone but it doesn’t work out.
Here’s another truth I’ve learned: Just because you are family doesn’t mean there’s love enough to fix what’s wrong. Sometimes … sometimes love does not conquer all.
But what about forgiveness, you say. What about reconciliation?
Estrangement doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven someone.
There’s a scripture verse that encourages us to “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18 NLT)
Sometimes . . . sometimes you can’t do enough to bring the peace. And the hardest thing I’ve learned is to accept that reality. To stop trying to make everything okay. To stop thinking, “Maybe if I do this … or that … say this … or don’t say that, then I can fix everything. Maybe I can be the right person …”
And all the while truth was being hidden. I was being hurt. And when I took a stand for truth, that’s when our relationships were strained to the breaking point.
Even knowing all this, estrangement is still strange.
Where’s the hope in all this?
I know the estrangement is not my fault. And I’m not saying this emotional stalemate is my parents’ and siblings’ fault, either. We’re just . . . broken. And fixing what is broken is not my responsibility. Recognizing this allows me to step back and realize God is at work even when I don’t see it. God will let me know when and if He wants me to do something, say something . . . as He has all along. My hope and confidence is in what He will do – not in me and my imperfect efforts.
Understanding Estrangement: A Few Truths I've Learned Living with Brokenness http://bit.ly/2Dco78o #estrangement #familyrelationships
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'This Life is messy.' quote by Ken Livingstone http://bit.ly/2Dco78o #family #relationships
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