Finding Joy While We Struggle to Believe
Surviving & Awakening
I often wonder how many of you are on similar journeys to mine. I know I write about it often, that we are each struggling with something. Surviving something hard. I can’t help but think about it as we enter the second month in this New Year. I promised that as I recovered from the death of my sister, Joy, and search for joy in the midst of loss and the continuing battle against chronic pain, I would be honest with you.
Honestly? I don’t really want to. I want to hide in my fairytale stories. I know I did this when I was suffering from debilitating chronic migraines in high school and college. I would write and write to distract myself from the pain. To distract myself from the realization that the life I wanted to live, one filled with friends, and laughter, and activities, was beyond my grasp. Cuddling up with books and making up stories was easier than working through the issues that would help me find joy in the life I did have. The life God had given me. I’m afraid I’ve teetered on the edge of succumbing to this vicarious living once more, but God has been awakening me. He has been teaching me to hope and live a life of joy even as I experience loss and pain.
Adjusting and Hoping
First, let me say that some prayers have been answered. Even though I am having a horrible migraine at this moment, there have been breaks as the new medication has started to work. Unfortunately, the medication and my system have not adjusted and it is a back and forth battle. The inconsistency is difficult. Will I need help getting my kids places, or will my concentration be good enough to drive a short distance? (As I type in this dark room, my daughter is currently sitting in a doctor’s office with her aunt as I could not drive her myself.)
Is there joy to be found in the uncertainty of whether or not I am able to fulfill my responsibilities? I am still working through this. I don’t understand. I am grateful to be able to have a few good days and several days where the pain is low enough that I can function — but I wrestle with it, too. Why won’t (because I believe He can) God heal me fully? Why won’t He show me why He is allowing our family to go through this pain alongside the grief of losing my beloved sister?
Several times lately, God has given me a tiny glimpse of some of what He is weaving together. These odds and ends of hurt and grief seem mismatched to me, but in conversations with my children, I am hearing whispers of discovery. Hard splinters of doubt that need to be plucked out of our faith. “We believe, help our unbelief!” We cry out.
[image error]Do you know that Bible story? It is one of my favorites (see Mark 9). There is a father who loves his son, but his son is unwell, possessed by a demon. The demon keeps the child mute, makes him deaf. He even takes over the child and throws him into the fire or into the water. I know most of us don’t want to read past the term “demon,” but what if the story is true? What if there really was a demon assaulting your child or mine? How helpless would we feel? How desperate? This man sought out Jesus’ disciples, but they couldn’t cast out the demon and restore the health of the child. When Jesus walked up, the man explained his situation and asked Jesus if He was able, would He heal his son. Jesus was upset by the if and the man cried out with my favorite prayer, “I believe, help my unbelief!”
This is where I find myself and perhaps you do as well. We may believe in our heads that God can do anything: He can heal us or He can save our marriage or He can fill our bank accounts . . . but still, we struggle to actually believe that He can. I believe; help my unbelief!
Searching for Joy
So in this search for joy, instead of discovering a cozy feeling of satisfaction or elation, there is more heartache. There is doubt and fear. But I’m not running away, though I find my feet pointing the wrong direction at times. As I sit here in pain and wonder why my sister is gone, I cling to the knowledge of what I know to be true even if I can’t feel it right now. Jesus healed that little boy and cast out the demon when others could not.
I don’t know the spiritual warfare side of each of your struggles, but I do know there is an enemy that wants to keep us from crying out for God to strengthen our faith. He doesn’t want God to give us hope, to help us discover what true joy is. I know this with every bit of me. As I realize this, I ask that you would join me in the search for joy so that we can befriend one another. When we do so, we are stronger, we can encourage one another to move forward and heal together. We are not in this alone, we don’t have to give up. Please know I am praying for you and would love to hear more about your journey. You can send me details or be vague and I will just lift up your name as I pray for you. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter with the hashtag #searchingforjoy to see how this next month’s search progresses.
For further reflection on how God can use dark things to shine His light, you can purchase Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope or contact me for a free electronic copy.
If you are a fairytale lover, too, and enjoy a good allegory that will also show you how God can use dark things to shine His light, you can purchase Beyond the Tower, the first book in The Journey series: Fairytales Retold, to read of Rapunzel’s adventures.
[image error]Photo credit: Jason Blackeye, Nitish Meena, and Daiga Ellaby.
