Out my window there’s nothin’ where a city used to be.
I feel like I should be doing more, making more — hell, making anything — and generally being more productive.
But I just have nothing. No motivation. No ideas. No compulsion to create. I keep feeling like I’m just wasting time, just keeping my head down and hoping that today will be better than the day before and that this string of days will come to an end in a spectacular rebuke of Depression and Anxiety.
But that doesn’t seem to be how this is going. I’m not really living right now. I’m just existing and the frustrating thing is that I know it doesn’t have to be this way, while also knowing that my brain is wired a little sideways and it’s going to be like this until it isn’t, and there’s not a lot I can do about that except realize that this isn’t forever, that I’ll heal the grief that opened up a few months ago, and the fresh pain and grief that recently opened up will eventually join it.
I sit here at my desk and stare are a blinking cursor for what seems like hours. I type a few words and delete them. I get up and walk around the house and up and down the block, trying to shake loose whatever is blocking up my ability to be creative, to feel like it’s worth the effort, and it just doesn’t seem to be working.
I’m doing my best to give myself permission to accept that my brain isn’t really on Team Wil right now, and not beat myself up about it. I’m clinically Depressed at the moment, but I’m still grateful that I can afford to have a string of days (stretching into months, now) that feel sort of debilitating and I don’t have to worry about not making a mortgage payment or feeding myself. All I have to do is take care of myself, take my meds, talk to my therapist, and work on proactive things like meditation and exercise that are usually good and helpful for my wonky brain.
Today, I feel marginally better than I did yesterday, and yesterday I felt marginally better than the day before that. If that’s how it’s going to go, I’m happy to accept marginal and steady improvement, however long it takes.
Can I admit something?
I’m scared. I’m terrified that being unproductive and not creating anything new for weeks or months at a time will catch up with me, the world will move on, and my fifteen minutes will be up before I realize it. I’m feeling my age, and though I pretty regularly feel like my best days and best work is behind me, I know that isn’t true. Now, if I could just convince my brain to accept that and stop trying to make me feel like there’s no reason I should even try to be creative.
I realize that’s irrational, but the Super Happy Funtimes of my particular version of mental illness is really good at making the case for it being correct and inevitable.
And the thing that’s so dumb? Tomorrow, I start work on something awesome that I love, that I deserve, that I get to do because I earned it with my hard work and ability as an actor. I know all of that, but I don’t feel a bit of it … and yet I will go to the studio in the morning and I’ll love that I get to be there, I’ll know that I deserve it, everyone there will be happy to see me, and I’ll feel like a total fraud.
Well, maybe writing about those fears and putting them here will help me trick my brain into giving me a break so I can just enjoy the experience and feel proud of myself, instead of the overwhelming sadness and hopelessness that’s currently filling up my life.
And on that happy note, please allow me to share Riley’s latest creation for our Roll Model campaign, because even in these incredibly dark days, Riley’s creations have brought me some very real and much-needed happiness.
https://shopstands.com/products/wil-wheatons-owlbear-campaign?variant=7160123129904We’re considering extending this T-shirt, because we’re hearing from lots of folks that they want one, but can’t get it until the end of the week. Let us know in comments if you’re interested, and we’ll make a decision later tonight or tomorrow.
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Depression is just awful. Sending my best wishes and I hope you can get back to creativity soon.
Thanks for sharing You're a braver man than I am. If you weren't half a globe away I'd jump over and give you a big farking hug (probably won't do much for you, being squished by me, but it might make me feel better ;) )
I relate. I have dealt with chronic depression for most of my adult life, and while I am well medicated, I still go through highs and lows. I sat down on my couch during the holidays three Christmases ago, and have been having one heck of a time getting back to Life As I Knew It. I function to exist. And winters are always the worst! I have learned that if I just have patience, I know I will feel better eventually. That dark cloud lightens up and thins out, and is that a ray of sun in the distance?!? The greatest gift we can give ourselves is kindness. Embrace that glorious cup of coffee (or 4) in the morning. Sing along to the radio. Have a bath with Mr Bubble. Read to escape reality. GIVE YOURSELF A HUG. You are ok just the way you are.
Sometimes a shake up like a complete change of scenery helps with perspective and provides a spark-- perhaps a trip to an exotic locale?
*hug*Who you are is exactly who you are meant to be.
The words you've shared are perfect, and I, for one, am grateful that you shared them with us.
Thank you. <3
You are so amazing. So strong to keep doing these exercises, and so brave to put it out there. You help me keep going.♡
P.S. [For whomever might find it useful right now...] I recently discovered through experience what is probably a very old trick in the mental wellness book -- when I feel like sinking back into the pit, I put all thoughts of creativity and productivity aside, and spend a whole day or two aimlessly organizing and reorganizing around the house. Afterwards I feel so much better and end up with a lot of things done without even meaning to.
I wonder whether our down time is the season in which the ground of our expression is lying fallow and the germ of something new is preparing to sprout. Bareness might be a tap on the shoulder to look in a different direction or perhaps a call to faith. Faith enables us to proceed in directions that we cannot fully perceive, just yet. Whatever the temperature of our winter of discontent, the journey to warmer lands may be lesson we have come here to learn; the lesson we need to learn. I have been told that what I need is within AND about me and if I proceed it WILL show up. That is my hope for you, also. Best Wishes!
Sometimes it baffles me as the thoughts running through a fellow sufferer of depression are the same that run through my mind during my worse times. While it's a great suffering and a difficult battle to fight, the only thing that consoles me is to see that even in suffering, we are not alone. Our feelings -or non feelings- are very similar, the words, the fears, the guilt that runs through our heads are screaming from the same, human, mouth. Let's hold hands, Will, lets solve this all togheter. A big hug from a friend
I don't imagine that you read the comments here, but for anyone that is being crushed under the weight of what they *should* be doing, I recommend checking out Byron Katie's work www.thework.com. Every negative thought can be relieved by a few simple questions, honestly asked of yourself. Is it true? Is it true that you SHOULD feel creative today? No, it's not... because you don't. You can force yourself to write when you don't feel creative, and maybe sometimes it will lead to a creative feeling, but you *can't* force yourself to feel creative. Give yourself space for that.
I stopped eating food made with flour of any kind and all sweeteners including artificial ones. At first I slept a lot. Then I was mad at the world. After about 2 weeks the clouds left and the sunshine came in, I was a new person. It is an easy choice now yo stay off that stuff.
Anxiety and depression are a weight that are sometimes easier to carry than others. Some days they are heavier and some days they are lighter. I know their weight well. I wish I had the magic words to lighten the load for everyone. The beautiful thing is that we keep going and hold hope in our hearts like the trees hold onto Spring (deep inside) in the Winter. The good days will come again. You don't have to be Atlas, carrying the weight alone. I want you to know, that as far as I am concerned your "15 minutes" won't be up with me. I appreciate your work both off and on screen, and hope that these heavy days become lighter for you.
Thank you for being you.
Depression is awful, and there's nothing anyone can say that will make it otherwise until it passes. I _am_ glad that you recognize wht's happening and are so proactive in self-care. I really, really hope you were able to enjoy the studio - but even if you weren't at the time, when the fog lifts a little, I'm confident you will do so in retrospect. Here's a fun exercise for you - look up how many creative people had a renaissance after 50. Or after 60. There's so much more wisdom coming your way - and because you are a smart guy, you will be able to take advantage of it.
Will, thank you for sharing your struggle. It helps me know that I am not alone in some of the crappy ways I feel too. I'm praying that you will continue to get better and survive one day at a time until you wake up and realize that it's a good day! Sometimes it takes forever to get there and knowing that it takes forever sometimes is all you have. Have faith and press on. I'm behind you!
Wil, I have clinical depression, too, and am a painter who hasn't painted in months. I fight that useless feeling every day. Now I have found I must be tested for colon cancer and the wacky thing is that I'm hoping I have it so all of this can be over and I can just stop fighting and not feel guilty about it. Fighting depression and food addiction. THANK YOU FOR SHARING. 7
Wil, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. For many years I struggled with life until I had some caring christians come along side me and helped me deal with my personal demons. I pray that someone can come alongside you and help you through your struggles. I have started to listed to Rick Warren's podcast (https://pastorrick.com/listen/podcast/) and it is very inspirational and his church has a large foot print in the LA area. He wrote the book "Purpose Driven Life - What On Earth Am I Here For?" that has helped so many people. I pray that you feel the presence of the Lord today and find some peace and joy.
P.S. Your love of games was truly inspiring to my family. My kids loved watching you and seeing your enjoyment got them and my wife into board gaming. (After college, I was on hiatus.) Thank you for all the hours of fun and family time you have given my family.
When we talked about this post she pointed out that even though you may not be feeling creative at the moment.
By putting your feelings out there in this blog post you are being creative, you are writing. Might not be what you intended but it's there. I know when the time comes you will be back on form. I am truly sorry you have this burden to bear, you are strong and will persevere.
Hi Wil. I just wanted to take a minute to say that I don't believe your best days are behind you, and you should not worry about not being productive right now. You could use this time to enjoy the creativity of others. Submerge yourself in the things that inspire you that other people are doing. You have the right to take time to just relax and be an active part in what's going on around you. I'm sure people would appreciate support from someone as talented as you are, and when the time is right you will find your inspiration to create again.
Good luck, Wil. When I feel that way I go and try to create something different, sometimes that turns out to be crap... but it's different and it shakes out the brain juices. Maybe go find Nick Offerman and learn to woodwork a box together? :D
I've been unemployed since the middle of June, and I feel, well, I think you put it best. I know it's going to get better at some point in time, I just don't know when that's going to be. And that's very very frustrating, as I'm not used to being so unproductive.
I guess all I can say is, you're not alone, and I hope it gets better for you as soon as it gets better for me.
Chris