Faith and Doubt – a dream

And Jesus was a sailor when He walked upon the water

And He spent a long time watching from a lonely wooden tower

And when He knew for certain only drowning men could see Him

He said, “All men shall be sailors then until the sea shall free them”

Leonard Cohen

I had my little family out on the sea in our trusty, seven generations tried, little boat. We loved this boat! It didn’t look like much but it had gotten us to where we needed to go for over 100 years! Sure there were flaws – some big, some small, but we worked on them and often those flaws worked out! The captain even said, there had been mistakes, published the mea culpa on the website, and said we know better now how to steer the boat. Looking to the past, it was easy to be on the faith side, because it wasn’t effecting us right now.

Then our son, our most wonderful, kindest, big hearted, smartest son, said he was gay. Something we had known for a long time but now he knew too. The captain said, you are welcome to stay on the boat, of all passengers, we should be the kindest to gay people, only one thing – you can never hold the hand of someone you love, or kiss them, or for heaven sakes, marry them! Suddenly the water offered turned rancid and the crackers stuck in our throat. We didn’t need Evian or Perrier or deli meats instead of crackers, we just needed some nourishment, any nourishment. We were starving. Worse we were watching our child starve.

Then our son jumped out of the boat. He said it was killing him to stay in the boat and we could see it was. Then his sister said, if he is going in the water, so am I! He’s my brother, and I won’t let him go this alone. One by one our children jumped, feeling their covenants of charity, fidelity, and commitment to the love of the Savior were the lighthouses, and they had to go by those first and foremost. Isn’t that what we had taught them? Isn’t that what the Captain had taught them? After all, God, the potter, had created this son, who were we to say He had done it wrong?

My husband and I remain in the boat, wondering every week if we should jump, if we are failing our children by not jumping. If we are failing the Savior by not jumping. Like the woman of Canaan, we keep faith, eating the crumbs fallen from the table. We are distressed by our children cast out into the wilderness, without a shepherd, swimming in a giant sea to find their way alone. We feel very misunderstood by the Captain and wonder if our beloved ship has lost its way. We doubt.

We trust the sea will free us. We trust He can walk on water. We trust He will reach down and grasp us, all of us, every knee, even though we may be of little faith.

 

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