Friendships: What Causes Them? How Can We Keep Them?
What mental processes if any do we use to pick the friends we have. I’ve never really considered that, have you?
Some may be conscious and some not. First friends usually are the result of proximity–we pal around with the kids in our neighborhoods.
But what else causes us to gravitate to a friend.
THE SIBLING QUESTION; THE BIRTH ORDER QUESTION
My husband has ten siblings. I have two. His closest friendship was with his younger brother–the next born after him, the same sex, they shared a room. Friendship bloomed. That brother has died, and though my husband is close to his other siblings, men and women, he still yearns for that initial bond with his brother.
I have two siblings, one older, one younger, both boys. I started to think about the women in my life who I have bonded with, especially my group in high school that in some ways formed the woman I became.
Ironically, five or more were like me–they had a brother or brothers. No sister. It would be fascinating to discover if unconsciously we gravitated to one another for that reason. Another question would be birth placement. I’m a middle child. My best friend in grade school was the oldest of a big family. She showed me ways to take charge. That was true of another close friend in college, also the oldest of a large family. Carole knew about responsibility. Which brings me to…
CURFEWS, CHORES, LIMITATIONS
Do we pick our friends later on because their habits are the opposite of ours or similar?
I was in charge of my younger brother and often cleaned the family home; my friend Joan had similar responsibilities and we became fast friends;
Most of the time in high school and always in college, homework for me came first. That was not the case for my college roommate and we were FAST FRIENDS.
During my working life as a teacher, then a nurse, I gravitated to women and men who saw their working life as important, fulfilling. I’d label myself rather serious, but as a mother and wife, I admire people who light up the room, who make me laugh, who realize that we can’t always be serious. Thanks, Teri!
MAYBE IT DOES START WITH YOUR BIRTH ORDER, YOUR SIBLINGS
In a recent issue of REAL SIMPLE, an amazing article, Why You Should Treat Your Family Like Strangers, by Jennifer King Lindley, addressed some of the sibling and family issues. She writes: It is a truth universally acknowledged: We are often most impatient, angriest, and least compassionate toward those we should be kindest to—our supposed loved ones. (“If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family,” wrote spiritual teacher Ram Dass.)
In the article, she addresses the issues of sister siblings–how one wants to relate and another is too busy to bother. Lindley writes: “With siblings, we regress. We become 12 years old again and feel the same conflicts. You may remember feeling unseen or being in her shadow,” says Barbara Greenberg PhD. Resist shooting her a string of frown emojis. “You maybe have a vision of how you think a sister should act,” (like the idea that a good big sister should be your closest confidant). “Try to take that label off the relationship. Being more compassionate is about appreciating people for who they actually are.”
She may not crave the same level of day-to-day closeness, but she was the first one there for your last true emergency. “It helps me to think of people as unique species,” says John Kim, a licensed therapist. “Some of us are giraffes. Some of us are lions. You can’t expect a giraffe to act like a lion. They are very different creatures.” To take some pressure off so you feel kinder, think about how you can get those needs met somewhere else. If you hoped for a sister who could always be a shoulder to lean on, for example, can you find that support in a close friend?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I have not even addressed the person who has no siblings, who creates friendships by going out into the world and finding people they want to be with. Maybe there are echoes of what they’ve seen in cousins or even in their parents’ relationship. We build as we grow.
I found this in another post that I wrote called, Breaking Into the Conversation. It’s a good reminder that we always have the power to relate to others, to find a friend.
Each of us has a pool of stories, opinions that we offer in conversation when there is an opening, when we find the space to express our views. But what if this pool would become so narrowed down that we might be expressing 20-25 ideas. There is never an excuse for not reading and learning about possibilities. The world is wide open inviting us to read, consider and take new things in our minds and hearts. Maybe that will help us break into the conversation of living–and people will no longer ignore what we have to say. They will be eager to give us an opening–they will be looking to us to YES, guide the conversation. And be a friend.
PHOTO: Merlow Marketing.com
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